umm hot immigrant bitches

2006-09-05T14:41:00.000-04:00

Kevin Federline-Lose Control(World Premiere)

That's right, I'm back and I'm bringing K Fed with me because really this video has got me mad impressed with his skillz. I have always been on Britney's side...ALWAYS. This blog is 100% against Brit bashing ok?

Also I suppose condolences are in order regarding the loss of that croc man but enough people have his image as their facebook picture that I'll just say there is a video of his death and I can't wait to see that shit online! YES!

OHfuck!

2006-06-19T19:48:00.000-04:00

Help Save Screech's House

This hurts.

Immigrant Potpourri

2006-06-18T00:07:00.000-04:00

We’re not going to explain ourselves or that absence. But hey! Now that we’re back, let’s see how many people we can insult in one go! Here’s what’s been happenin:

Yesterday, Our Mockery World Exploded with the Ridiculousness of the Following:
The following what? The following MySpace page! Now, as we’re pretty sure the talent in question devotes any time not spent delighting in common thievery and/or smoking mad good tree to googling herself, we can’t publish any specifics, but Diana “doesn’t think” she reads the blog, which is good enough for us, so we can hint pretty explicitly and not even feel bad. Take the first and middle names of everyone’s favorite pretend folk singer and slap those gals at the end of a http://www.myspace.com/ and be amazed amazed amazed, and maybe a little queasy too. Make sure your volume’s up, and pay especial close attention to the glass-ass line. I swear to god you will swear it’s Joni omg. (Um Ps. If the lady in question does happen to find this post then, I guess… sorry I just officially ended our friendshiplet via the internets? Word. That’s all I got, sorry-wise.)

Other News:

Diana Farted In Front of her Boss
Proving once and for all that just because your mom’s posh neighbor friend got you a fancy khakis-and-a-cardigan job at Sony doesn’t mean you won’t fart in front of your boss.

The Opening Line To Radiohead’s New “House of Cards” Is “I Don’t Wanna Be Your Friend, I Just Wanna Be Your Lover.”
I know we throw “the hottest thing ever” around a lot here on Umm Hot Immigrant Bitches, but seriously, when Thom sings that line whilst doing his crazy little sexshimmy around the microphone, the intensity with which I wish to bang his lazy-eyed ass isn’t even funny.

VH1’s The Drug Years Is Great
And great, and great, and whoooops— crack!poverty!death! I’m gonna go ahead and isolate the early turning point as the moment in “Episode Two: Feed Your Head (1967-71)” in which some exhippiejunkie explains that the streets of Haight-Ashbury were catless during the Summer of Love because “the speedfreaks would go out and capture all the cats and eat them.” Cheap, yes, but I just don’t think that that’s what the Summer of Love was supposed to be about, Speedfreaks. Thanks for ruining The Drug Years for me.

A 70-piece Bulgarian Herd of Goats was Murdered by Lightning
They say it was because the herd was under a tree when the lightning struck, but that doesn’t make any sense. Do trees explode or start shooting goats when hit by lightning? No, they do not. Obv there was some foul play up in that field, but who cares cause it’s just some goats in Bulgaria.

We Looked Into the “Making My Plants So Hard to Reach” Reference
And apparently it’s some Hedberg. At first I was ashamed that none of us realized this, especially since “Mitch Hedberg RIP” comes right before it (see below), but then I remembered that the fact still remains that P.G. has “making my plants so hard to reach” as an interest on facebook, which is just ludicrous no matter the author.

Guess Who!

2006-05-27T01:53:00.000-04:00

(Facebook) Interests:
Girls Has To Be First On This List Of Course, Partying All The Time, Dancing (Or at least trying to), Taking Care Of My Friends' Drunken Asses, Chilling The Fuck Out, Music, Lifting 'Cause I Dont Wanna Be A Little Bitch, Running When It's Not 30 Degrees Out, Ballin', Wishing I Could Ball Better, Fucking With People, Poker, Big Slick, Not American Airlines, Saying What Everyone Is Thinking But Refuses To Say, Being Ridiculous, Being A Gentlemen, Tripping On Locust Walk, Late Nights At My Room Which I Never Make It To, Late Nights At My Room Which I Do Make It To, Big Slick Suited, Yankees, Entourage, Hugging It Out Bitch, Funny Shit, Dane Cook, Being a BAMF, Mitch Hedberg RIP, Making My Plants So Hard To Reach

Woosh!

2006-05-26T02:20:00.000-04:00

20 days and no posts! That’s a pretty long stretch – longer even than that time we closed shop to provoke Diana into posting again (which isn’t really surprising cause seriously, did any of us actually give a shit about that?). In any case, apologies for that extended siesta - we’ve missed you, especially cause A LOT has been going durn in the neighborhood.

For example, some of you may remember the huge crush I had on Al Gore in summer-fall 1992. Well kids, it’s back. Big time. And it’s fiercer than ever, facilitated by the incredibly hot An Inconvenient Truth global warming flick, and its subsequent press coverage, like this unbelievably sizzling article which everyone’s favorite magazine has on stands now. We especially like the “Gore has just cracked his second Heineken” line, cause if there’s anything we enjoy more than a slice of Ol’ Al G., it’s a slightly boozy one.

Other News:

The Dinosaur Community Has Named A Newly Discovered Species “Dracorex Hogwartsia,” After H.P.
Apparently, the choice was made because “visitors thought this new herbivore dinosaur looked like a dragon.” Um...I hate to be the one to break it to you, visitors, but I think that might just be what dinosaurs look like. In any case, 7 year old boys around the world, and Pasty R, rejoice.

Tina Has Figured Out a Way to Scam Fandango or Some Shit
I haven’t seen a V-L this happy since P.Paul spent summer ’98 rolling into the Greenburgh Town Pool 10 minutes before closing each day, thus avoiding the $3 fee.

The Da Vinci Code Has Been Seen
Obviously, even aside from all that Christ-y shit, the movie had some serious issues, like the nonkiss at the end (You can make all the walking on water jokes you want, Tautou, but Jesus wouldn’t have stood for that forehead peck bullshit, and neither should you.) and casting Paul Bettany as Silas, who is neither hot nor cuddly in real life. No matter how much he scowled, every time movie Silas killed someone, all I wanted to do was jump into his arms and congratulate him on winning Wimbledon against such odds, and that’s a problem. Of course there was also the issue of the motley crew of losers Ron Howard &co rounded up to play the Priory of Sion at the end...cause like, maybe it’s just me, but if I were Jesus’ granddaughter or whatever and I had a hot murderous albino on my tail, I don’t think bearded Johnboy on the right and the surrounding random smattering of literal little girls is who I’d immediately turn to for protection. I think we can all agree that Gandalf was pretty amazing though.

And Lastly, as we’ve suspected for some time,
Weed Is Good For You
Or something along those lines. A more in depth look into the issue will be taking place all weekend chez LBell.

It's 2:56 In The Morning and a Second Ago Bettina IMed Me This Just To Fuck With Me:

2006-05-06T02:58:00.000-04:00

http://jahtruth.net/

I am officially declaring myself fucked. with.

Actually The Cutest Thing Ever

2006-05-03T01:25:00.000-04:00

I dare you to watch this and not feel awwwww.

(Courtesy of MaPo)

Actually The Hottest Thing Ever

2006-05-01T13:27:00.000-04:00

oh man

ohhh man

POLL #24!

2006-04-30T18:35:00.000-04:00

What sickening, mildly-severely fabricated piece of fucking scholastic turtle shit are we all currently working on?

I'm doing 12 pages for Fascism on the history of beards. Yeah. Hahahaha.

Because Immigrants Fucking Stick Together

2006-04-30T16:53:00.000-04:00

And also because would you rather go to class or party in the streets with a bunch of Mexicans? Yeah.

http://www.immigrantsolidarity.org/

Tonks is Really Hot

2006-04-29T03:03:00.000-04:00

*

Good for you, Thewlis!

BREAKING: James Bond To Rock A ‘Dozer

2006-04-28T01:42:00.000-04:00

That’s right. Daniel “I Only Care About Jewish Blood” Craig is totally gonna be cruising around in a motherfucking bulldozer in the opening for Casino Royale. This is extremely exciting, as it joins two of the hottest things in life: James Bond and BULLDOZERZ!

Also:
“We have a diverse clientele,” ['dozer spokeswoman Silvia Cassani] said. “We don't just have old farmers.” Know that.

Garfield Strip of the Day!

2006-04-25T22:27:00.000-04:00

(Love, Gilroy)

A Naked Man Got His Nude Ass Arrested After Being Trapped In And Then Rescued From His Stepmother’s Chimney!

2006-04-25T16:37:00.000-04:00

I’m not actually sure which part of this I should point your attention to, as every line in this article is astonishing. If I had to choose, I’d probably say take extra special note of Hayward Police Lt. Gary Branson’s fine investigative observations, but the image of the naked man being “pushed to safety” by firefighters is pretty fantastic too. In any case:

HAYWARD, Calif. - A man who spent five hours naked and stuck in the chimney of his stepmother's home was arrested on suspicion of being under the influence of drugs, police said.

Police say Michael Urbano, 23, locked himself out of the house early Saturday morning and decided to get in on a cable TV wire through the chimney. But the wire broke and Urbano fell, getting stuck about three-quarters of the way down. He was freed when a firefighter pushed him to safety.

"We get him up, and he's naked as a jaybird," said Hayward police Lt. Gary Branson. "He tells us he took his clothes off because there would be less friction going down the chute. We did find his clothes. So that part checked out."

Authorities were called about 6:15 a.m. Saturday. A neighbor heard "faint, distressing" calls since about 2:30 a.m. and decided to call police. Police say it probably wasn't a comfortable few hours for Urbano.

"He's not fat," Branson said, "but he used to play football. He's not that little." *

Ok. First of all, since when does being naked in your chimney = drug use? I thought this was America. Just cause a brother feels like freeballin it in his stepmom’s fireplace doesn’t mean he’s on drugs. Maybe that’s just his thing, like how sometimes I like to pop up at teacher’s summer homes wearing only hotpants and a balaclava. Frankly, this sounds to me like yet another strike in the country’s growing War on Naked, and Im.Bitch refuses to tolerate it. What’s so embarrassing about the human body anyway?

Secondly. The guy’s neighbor started hearing “faint, distressing calls” at 2:30 am and waited til 6:15 the next morning to call someone?! What the fuck? What would happen if everyone started ignoring faint, distressing calls? Well, for one thing, we’d all have a lot less b’love in our lives, as the same would likely still be trapped, dangling by the pant leg from atop a barbed-out fence. So word. Uncool, Neighbor.

And lastly…this cop. What the fuck is his deal? Aside from the fact that “naked as a jaybird” is never an acceptable phrase to use, ever, is anyone else really sketched out and confused by…every single one his quotes? “He’s not fat, but he used to play football.” ???? Did this guy somehow know Naked back in his football days, or upon questioning was he just like ‘hey, you’re not that little, but not fat – why is that?’ Either way: what the fuck. But that’s actually nothing compared to his “we did find his clothes so that part checked out” assertion. Cause…ummm… the only thing finding the naked man’s clothes (presumably near the chimney?) confirms is that he took off his clothes before entering the chimney, which we kind of already knew. The fact that he did indeed get naked at the chimney in no way lends credence to the ‘less friction’ rationale. Nothing could support that claim. That’s just an unintelligent and insane thing to say. But whatever. Bottom line: we can no longer be naked in family members’ chimneys without fear of indictment. The fascists have won.

Will Smith, Bar Mitzvah Ruiner

2006-04-21T18:05:00.000-04:00

Hey, good for you, Will Smith...good for you...oh, wait, fuck that nevermind.

JERUSALEM - He never got an invitation and he certainly didn't R.S.V.P., but that didn't stop Will Smith from crashing Atir Cohen's bar mitzvah at Jerusalem's Western Wall.

Cohen, 13, was deep into his Torah reading Thursday when he heard shouting and saw girls pushing against the barrier separating men from women at the holy site to catch a glimpse of the Hollywood superstar.

"At first I didn't know who it was," Cohen said. Smith compensated for the interruption by shaking the bar mitzvah boy's hand and posing for a picture with him.

Surrounded by a security detail, Smith approached the wall and put a note in the cracks in keeping with tradition. Smith and his wife, Jada Pinkett Smith, then took a tour of an excavated tunnel alongside the wall. The tour leader was Shmuel Rabinovitch, chief rabbi of the holy site, who said the couple took notes and spent several minutes praying. "He is a very nice man, he was very excited and showed his emotions," he said.

Smith and his wife later visited the nearby Church of the Holy Sepulcher, built on the site where many Christians believe that Jesus was crucified.

Brandeis: 1, Molly: 1

That Is All.

2006-04-20T19:17:00.000-04:00

Happy Holiday! / Good News For Jews, Bad News for Katie

2006-04-20T15:28:00.000-04:00

Upwards of 200 Kilos (um, I have no idea how much that is. Seriously, zero.) of Marijuana Washed Up on Some Beach in Israel
Just in time for the holiday. I guess it pays to rock the Holy Land on a daily basis...Brandeis: 1, Molly: 0.

Macalester Cancels CHEEBAdanza
Cause no matter where you are, college is bullshit.

But None of This Really Matter Much to Us
Cause Bettina just made Matzo Brei

Take it.

Ps. Can we take Google sporting this trippy shit today as an official 4/20 endorsement?

Jack White Coke Ad

2006-04-19T23:28:00.000-04:00

Kind of amazing, kind of annoying?

Omg, This Tea Is Incredible

2006-04-19T22:48:00.000-04:00

BREAKING: Shawn From Boy Meets World Returns To Prime Time

2006-04-19T00:48:00.000-04:00

He’s back, sweet mystery, he’s back! Playing “Chick” on monstrosity/WB show Pepper Dennis. Has anyone else seen this? It features lines like “Jack, the Pontiff was my beat,” and references to the same’s “holy behind.” Yeah. But whatever, Shawn is back, which is all we need to know. That, and the fact that the actor’s name is … prepare yourselves… “Rider Strong,” which, despite devoted BmeetsW viewings in our younger days, we totally didn’t know until P.D.’s opening credits. Rider Strong. Nobutreally.

Only one question remains: WHERE TOPANGA AT?

Read it to your child at bedside! Give one to your sister the new mom!

2006-04-19T00:44:00.000-04:00

How many consecutive posts can we go solely celebrating b’love? THIS MANY.

It's Just A Plant

Katie L. L. sends us this sparkler from out west. Aside from the genuinely revolting illustrations (which are particularly disturbing when reading it as it was meant to be read), this book is pretty unreal. We learned so much! Like, the fact that fast food-craving high black people sometimes call weed “muggles.” Did anyone else know that? Anyone like… ol’ J.K.R.? Yeah, we’re not sure how to deal with that either.

Be sure to read all the way through.

That Said, Keep In Mind That

2006-04-17T23:30:00.000-04:00

It Doesn't Always End Here

But It Does Often Start Here

Holiday Preparations

2006-04-17T22:39:00.001-04:00

We were recently roused us out of our ‘Yo, I’m home, Coldless, and There are 5 Packages of Mac and Soy “Cheese” Waiting For Me in the Freezer’ hazy stupor long enough to be reminded by our very own L.Bell that another 4/20 is nearly upon us. That shit totally crept up on us this year, like the way Chanukah does a lot, and also, fittingly, the b’love which many of us will be enjoying come Thursday. Thankfully, Im.Bitch will be home during the holiday, and not at school, where educational fascism runs rampant and preschoolers have to be cared for, so this year’s celebration promises to be an exceptional one.

Let’s recount some of our favorite 4/20 memories in anticipation of this year’s extravaganza. We’ll kick things off with 4 of our own:

1. Once upon a 4/20, a crew of youngsters headed over to the wooden shack of a friend during the school day to get a little higher. Things were going famously, until SPLAM! They were CAUGHT by the friend’s mom, who then proceeded to ask about college visiting trips etc., to the youngsters’ incredibly high dismay. That episode, though extraordinarily traumatizing at the time, is now looked back upon with satisfaction and merriment, if only because it birthed the following world class exchange:
The Friend: Mom, relax, we all have frees. [A lie.]
The Friend’s Mom: That doesn’t mean you have to sit around smoking pot all day!
A sound point – a free period doesn’t mean we have to smoke the pot, but hey, if there’s pot to be smoked, and you have a free period, it’s certainly a pretty appealing option, especially on 4/20.

2. That same 4/20 found that same crew of youngsters staring highly at a Riverdale lawn sprinkler, trying to decide whether or not they should bounce on in, standing mesmerized for upwards of 10 minutes in what must have been a really disturbing manner, given the mix of seriousness with which the youths were debating the pros and cons of the sprinkler proposal, and the level of glaring highness they had even so early in the day irrefutably achieved. This went on until one of them finally looked up to see the mistress of the sprinkler-housing house at the window, phone in hand, regarding them in a state of mingled anger and disgusted wonder. The youths returned to school.

3. Another 4/20 found Pasty getting into a fairly serious and incredibly high brawl with a Fieldston teacher about a paper grade, ending in the teacher asking to meet with Pasty at the end of class, in turn ending in the teacher dismissing Pasty with a sneering Snape-esque “Happy holiday.” !!

4. On yet another 4/20, returning from one of a duo’s last trips to the famed the alley, the same were surprised when an elderly gardener sprung suddenly out at them, barking, we shit you not, “don’t think I don’t know what you kids are up to.”
“What school are you from?” He added.
“Horace Mann,” they said.
“Don’t come around here again.”
...You meddling kids?

Ps. It’s posts like these that MommaVoz generally turns a blind eye towards, but as discretion was never exactly our forte, and also like, we know you’re reading this MommaVoz, ima bust out publicly with this one and say YO, you wanna maybe prepare like a stock of sandwiches for me and mine in preparation for the holiday? (...This probably won't end well.)

Shocking Roommate Hall of Fame

2006-04-16T03:38:00.000-04:00

Hollered drunkenly at a “party,” whispered seductively over vegan hot chocolate, stated tearfully on the phone to friends back home who really don’t give a fuck, that age old college declaration has probably been uttered by each of us in due course: “No, seriously. I have the worst roommate ever.” Some of us, who have returned mid-day to find our roommate’s nasty used underpants resting openly on our desks, or who have been awoken in the wee hours of the morn by Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous (“What, I’m watching it”), may have had reason to say this, but nobody – nobody – has a story that tops this one. And so, ladies and gentlemen, I give you a new inductee into the Shocking Roommate Hall of Fame. Just out of possible fear that the roommate in question will somehow google himself in the classical sense of the phrase for a change, see this, and then somehow make the situation in that room worse, we’re gonna run this bitch without monikers of any sort. We’ll call our man “our man” as we describe the event that awarded the roommate (henceforth: “the roommate”) his new Shocking Roommate Hall of Famer title. But I dawdle.

Early on in the semester, our man noticed some...abnormal behavior on the part of his new roommate. Each night, the roommate would go to bed early, leaving our man to his business. And every night our man would creep to bed, only moments later to hear the sounds, and, when o.m. checked that shit out TO SEE THE SIGHT of the roommate engaging in open, blanketless masturbation. Dismissing the conduct as “some kind of fucked up sleep disorder” (HAHAHHA), o.m. ignored it, until one very special night.

On the night in question, the roommate had a friend of his – “a rather unattractive girl” staying over. In the words of o.m., “I was like, ‘hey if the two of you want the room, just tell me, I understand’,” but no, the roommate assured o.m., this beast was purely platonic. The roommate and the creature went to sleep early as usual, the roommate in his bed and the creature in a bag on the floor by his feet, and as usual o.m. came into the room much later and went to sleep. And....as usual, just seconds after o.m. got into bed, the roommate started to feed the cats. “What the fuck!” thought o.m., “he’s shaking hands with the sheriff while his platonic lady friend is sleeping on the floor next to him?” Pretty horrible, but not Shocking Roommate Hall of Fame horrible. What is? Well, glancing over to confirm the obvious, o.m. noticed...wait for it...that THE CREATURE WAS ALSO MASTURBATING, in her sleeping bag on the floor.

Was this some kind of Da Vinci Code-esque cult practice? Is the roommate “secretly gay and is trying to send you a message” as one associate suggested? Or was it purely coincidence that two compulsive-masturbators were housed within the same walls one night but a few feet away from o.m.? I don’t know, but one thing I know is that that is simultaneously masturbating hands down the worst fucking roommate ever. Ever. Ever.

Animal Newz

2006-04-14T17:40:00.000-04:00

There is a Huge Monster Bunny Out On the Loose, Eating People's Vegetable Patches
And all people are talking about is how upset they are that their cabbage and shit is being gobbled, not the fact MASSIVE FUCKING RABBITS EXIST. WHAT!!? (...Gournal?)

Molly the Brooklyn Cat Remains Chillin in Her Wall

With Molly the fugitive feline sending out distress calls from a few feet — or maybe just inches — away, animal rescue and city experts tried anew on Thursday to lure the 11-month-old black cat from the innards of a 19th century building where she has been trapped for nearly two weeks.
…
In another move, two kittens were brought to the scene in a carryon cage, in hopes that their mewing might trigger Molly's maternal instincts enough to draw her out.
…
On Wednesday, bricks had been carefully removed at various spots to give Molly an escape route. Molly stayed put. Pastore's team later got a fleeting look at Molly through a tiny video camera snaked into the crawl space, but could not reach her. A cage, baited with food, was left overnight. Molly didn't bite. Even catnip, the feline aphrodisiac, had no effect on the timorous tabby.
…
On Thursday, a self-described "cat therapist," Carole Wilbourne, knelt on the sidewalk next to the building's outer wall and tried to coax Molly out with what she hoped were soothing words.

"I hear you, sweetheart," she cooed. "Come on, Molly, you can do it...everybody wants you to come out... nobody's going to hurt you."

After a few minutes, one of Pastore's aides, wearing a surgical mask, emerged from the dusty cellar and asked Wilbourne to stop. "I think you're stressing her out," she said.

Wilbourne complied, saying that she had been trying to "give inspiration" to the wayward cat. "I care," she told reporters. "I wouldn't be doing it if I didn't."

Seriously, one call to yours truly would save these bastards a lot of trouble. Cause I don’t care what species you are, Mollys don’t do soothing words, Mollys don’t do tiny video cameras, and Mollys certainly don’t do motherfucking mewing kittens. Only one way to lure a Molly out of a perfectly chill wall hiding spot, and it ain’t catnip, baby: give that feline some real herb. That, or a crisp a stack of 20s.

Keep on truckin’ Molls.

How Was Everyone’s Seder-day Night?

2006-04-14T17:12:00.000-04:00

Yes.

Persons A-D drank a fat jug of Manischewitz with a gentile who was not only totally on Road Rules, but who also at least twice started sentences with “when I was on The Challenge…” It is my sorrow to report that said Road Ruler did not, however, find the afikoman, despite their proficiency for contest.

Person E was chilling at the Passover table when BAM! all of a sudden their pocket started to SMOKE fiercely, due to the (alleged) tobacco pipe that lay resting in their jacket. The youngins at the table were quick to quench the pocket fire, but not before Person E’s mother gave an extensive Smokey The Bear-esque talking to on how to most properly handle fire, pipes, and, inexplicably, chametz.

Person F’s Pesach fun didn’t start til after their second Seder, when, driving back from a parking lot to pick up the rest of the fam, they accidentally hit on a transvestite. “Well, there are all kinds of interesting people out tonight,” Person F’s shotgun companion kidded, catching sight of a pair of buxom black she-males as the car lay waiting at a traffic light. “Hey, that one has a pretty nice ass,” Person F returned (!!!?!). Alas, what Person F didn’t realize was that the window was open when they made the remark, and the trannies were but a few feet away…but no worries –the transvestite was, erm, just flattered: “she just turned around and gave me a luxurious smile.”

What A Fox

2006-04-06T14:37:00.000-04:00

Genocide shmenocide. I’d slam that.

{“You are scared of the interior minister. He doesn't scare my dog.” TORRID.}

You Asked For It

2006-04-04T12:51:00.000-04:00

Ever since Battle of the Blogz ’06, in which we totally subjugated Girl Friday blogger Shook the Spot in front of friends, family, and former highschool teachers, bitches have been coming out of the woodwork trying to taunt us into taking a public piece of them, no doubt in search of the same Im.Bitch fame S-the-S enjoyed during wartime. But where Shook remained gentlemanly and at times even clever in his attacks, this new wave of aggressors is taking a far blunter, more obvious approach. Gone are the days of clandestine “oh, so it’s on on?” “oh yeah, bitch, it’s on” Priam-on-Achilles-esque pre-battle gmail chats: today’s blwarriors take that shit directly to the streets, and Im.Bitch doesn’t like it.

We’ve ignored the barbs, gibes, and sneers for the most part – blog wars are, after all, so early March – but one heated “blogger” has been begging for a public bashing so hard (likely due largely to the fact that he is running for class line-leader or some shit?) that we thought we’d be nice and give him a break, while addressing some of the issues many of you have recently brought up. Plus we kind of thought of some ways to insult him back and we can’t pass that shit up.

BenWK*****: i was just catching up on my HIB reading and I'm a bit disappointed. Where're all the posts about guys giving you the slip, per se
BenWK*****: I don't read HIB to hear about roommate troubles
BenWK*****: I read for the hot, racy, jewish sex
...

BenWK*****: way to become me and never update
BenWK*****: immigration laws getting you down i bet
…

BenWK*****: what's behind the recent pussiness of your disclaimers?

Ok. Let’s run through this point by point, shall we?

On that first claim: A) You are disgusting. B) Point taken, but this is what I am going to school with:

You feel me? Ain’t nobody wanna hit / read about someone hitting that.

On the second: A) True, you never ever update. But I think maybe we’re all happier that way? I, for one, definitely feel like a worse person having read the line “The Folk Music Festival at Pitzer is awesome,” for example. B) Immigration laws are pretty tough, yes, which is something you and your former nanny maybe know a little bit about? How is Rosa, by the way? Oh, deported? Word. (Oh fuck; yes. I just took it there.)

And the third: Maybe things are different over in sunny California, but ‘round these parts, sometimes when you have meetings with deans in which they threaten to call your mommy and/or make you pay for psychosis ward bills, you need to slap up some disclaimers so as to avoid further heat. Or, in other words: The feds is watchin', niggas plottin' to get me. Will I survive, will I die, come on lets picture the possibilities.
Giving me charges, lawyers making a grip. I told the judge I was raised wrong and that’s why I blaze shit.

2006-04-04T00:58:00.000-04:00

SAMurai: molly
SAMurai: i want a shout out on the blog
PASTY_RUSSIAN: ok!
SAMurai: fuck yes
SAMurai: OH SHIT I'M TRIPPING

Just Overheard in My Hallway:

2006-04-03T17:15:00.000-04:00

Gay But Not Gay Sylvester: Wait...you’ve never heard of Planned Parenthood?
Some Bitch: Um...no?
Gay But Not Gay Sylvester: I don’t mean to be rude or anything, but are you serious?
Some Bitch: Well, I mean, do they only work in poor neighborhoods?

“Special Delivery!”

2006-04-02T21:08:00.000-04:00

called the stork, as up and away she flew
for suddenly on April 2nd, 2006
into our lives had come not one precious bundle – but two!

Dear friends,
It is our enormous pleasure to announce the births of two new baby blogz.

The first, by popular demand, is – yes, you guessed it!! – Momma Voz’s official new site. She mostly talks about scotch a lot, and occasionally about like some new poker skill she picked up at the bar, but all the same, this is pretty fucking incredible. So, Mr. Aune, next time you’re reading Im.Bitch and thinking “whoa, this shit is crazy, where does she get that from?” head on over to MommaVoz.blogspot.com. But be cool, yo: that’s my moms.

Annnnd the second is a little something my troop (yes) and I have been working on during the time in which we are supposed to be attending class? maybe… It’s called Freedom Trail Mixes of Boston, and it is not only self-explanatory, but also totally necessary – in the world, and on your computer. It won’t be officially up and running for a few days yet, but you can still check that shit out for a general idea…(and btw, that
”jews who reach higher” link on the side? Straight from Momma Voz.)

So enjoy! And, as always, may Ja bless you and yours.

Seen At Brandeis in the Past Week:

2006-03-30T12:11:00.000-05:00

- One chap snorting a pile of yay directly out of another chap’s filthy hands, in the middle of north quad.
- One gentleman blowing another gentleman in the stern of the cafeteria, at dinner time.

.......???!!?!

Week of Sobriety, Day 2

2006-03-28T22:49:00.000-05:00

.....i'm out.

Redundancy of the Day

2006-03-27T13:02:00.000-05:00

(courtesy of our very own Momma Voz)

Week of Sobriety, Day 1

2006-03-27T12:59:00.000-05:00

Wintry sweats. My driving limbs, so heavy, so worn, flying down an endless flight of stairs, fighting down the rubbley rock-strewn pathways of my mind. Is it for the bud I cry, or for youth?

– oh! Ganja. So sweet, so alluring. A lacey lady of the night, she coos and calls to me, from my middle dresser drawer, where I keep her, but her zip-locked prison cannot contain her misty might. I ache to answer her siren scent.

My eyes are bloodshot; my ears ring with cannabis cries unreturned. The Campbell’s in my hand, soda on my desk do nothing to ease my hunger; I crave a different kind of fodder, Mother.

I need green!; but I only get more blue.

So I sit, and listen to Tupac.

BREAKING: Mont Parnasse Is Closed!

2006-03-25T18:59:00.000-05:00

This is totally devastating news for all sandwich/lottery ticket-loving Chesterites. WHERE AM I GONNA GET MY SCRAMBLED EGG AND CRIPSY BACON ON A ROLL NOW? The Fountainhead? Mont Olympus? I THINK NOT.

Making matters more distressing is the fact that the reason behind said closing is entirely unclear – alls I knows is that there be a big fucking handwritten “CLOSED” sign outside the diner, and when you call their number (cause yeah, I have that shit in my phone) it is NO LONGER IN SERVICE!! And – AND – in addition to the closed sign, there is another, smaller sign reading “Come to the Mont Parnasse Café, 870 Central Ave."...which is in fact NOT the non-existent, fully made-up “Mont Parnasse Café,” but instead the totally crap Central Square Café, an establishment the V-Ls, as a family, never ever grace given some wack brawl we had there with the maitre’d in summer 1995...WHAT, I ask you, is going on here? Is this a case of Central Square Café attempting to POACH Mont P’s distraught old folks, confused and yearning for their half grapefruit, cottage cheese and rye toast combo?

If anyone has any further information on this matter, PLEASE, hit up the comments section.

How Was Everyone’s Saturday Night Goes To Hollywood

2006-03-25T13:51:00.000-05:00

First off, another semi-disingenuous apology for not posting in while – gauche meetings with alleged college deans (“Listen, I work at a college; I understand that college kids smoke pot all the time, especially at this school”), a string of weird fucking finger injuries (mac and “cheese”? Really?), and an authentic LICE SCARE (if anyone needed confirmation that this shit is camp, not college) have been overwhelming the fuck out of the past couple of weeks. So, “sorry.”

Secondly, a few quick catch up items:

Both new episodes of the Sopranos have been WATCHED.
Head over to Shook for that coverage.

Kylie Minogue is staging a comeback.
Cause not even breast cancer can stop such fabulousness.

Starting next year, Fieldston’s tuition will be only $207 less than Harvard’s (without room and board).
But on the plus side, Joe Healy is thinking about building a new private toilet encased entirely in only the finest and purest of Titaniums. What’s that you say? Thomas Kelly has a gilded, ruby-encrusted one? Well...whatever – it’s not about competition, and anyway, Healy’s totally gonna let his minions use that toilet more than any independent co-ed day school master in the country.

And thirdly, try to crack this one:

Persons A, B, and C began their evening downtown on Person A’s roof – high on a boatload of potent B.Lovin. It wasn’t long after til they became extremely hungry. But alas, the hunger, tremendous as it was, was not as tremendous as their long-standing exceeding cheapness, and so a high sly mission was organized: to creep on over to the movie set where Person B’s father was filming, a few blocks away, and secretly raid the shit out of the Craft Services Food Truck. Unfortunately, the stealth walk over – complete with many detours, tail-losing schemes, and “oh shit, is that my dad? I think it might be – oh wait, no – it’s a 700 pound Indian woman”s – was a lot longer and colder than any of them had anticipated. The walk got so intense, in fact, and the hunger was so severe that Person A was even moved, at one point, to...erm, gutturally grunt-wail a low, frightening “GUYS. IS BLIMPIES OPIN,” as the group passed that establishment, sort of in the manner of Wesley Willis (RIP!) doing a Forest Gump impression. Persons A-C finally made it to the truck (Blimpie’s was, regrettably, not “OPIIN”), and much fodder, including chips, cookies, Dr. Brown’s sodas, Twizzlers, danishes, and some other shit I can’t remember was pilfered. The night ended at a neighborhood 24 hour deli, as even those glittery snackz were no match for the titanic appetite that that crazy B.Lovin had aroused.

Ps. Oh yeah, that B.Lovin I just told you about? Totally in the presence of George Clooney two nights ago. Yes.

Help Us.

2006-03-18T20:14:00.000-05:00

Some of you may be aware of Brandeis’ fucked up, shtetled out “Oh, you have money for us? Of course we have room for you – there must be an 5-person linen closet we can shove one more bed into; come on over – don’t forget your checkbook!” housing policy. It was the same that landed us in our current orphanagey forced-triple bullshit, and the same that is responsible for next year’s huge, gorgeous, 8-person suite – complete with 6 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, a fat common room..and...4 total strangers.

Well, strangers til now. After some snoopin, we have procured the names/facebook profiles of the 4 others. On the bright side, 2 of the 4 seem to be relatively personality-less: huge fans of The Postal Service and Garden State, from what we gather. On the (morbidly) darker side, here’s a sample from Suitemate #3’s livejournal (we shit you not):

i feel like im inside a black hole, with nothing surrounding me, except for the sounds and systems swirling around, making up my life. and we're just chasing time, flying, fast-forwarding us all into a spiral of being tired, of being irritated, of being... nothings.

music notes pass through me, penetrating my being. sometimes i dont know how i just dont.. drown.

being numb is really tiring. help me feel.
help.

i want to go home. i want to find it.

drowning.

Uh oh! That doesn’t sound good, Suitemate #3! May I suggest “Filigree & Shadow” by The Mortal Coil? Zach Braff’s blog might be of some assistance too. And drawing skulls on your converse sneakers can help a lot with feelings like those, so I hear. Or hey, you could always just hit up Suitemate #4 for a heartening shot of yay!, as we recently discovered that in addition to republican, rich, Asian, cheerleading, Long Island-hailing, and sorority-pledging, Suitemate #4 boasts coke-fiend on her lovely list of attributes.....yeah.

So, what to do? Well, beloved readers, that’s where you come in. The general goal as of now is to freak these bitches out as much as possible: we already have plans to refer to each other exclusively by Flavor of Love-esque nicknames (I’m “Hollywood”) when in their presence, to cover the common room walls in anti-Bush, anti- fucking- maudlin- extremely- poorly- written- livejournal posters, and to pretend that at least three of us are involved in a frenzied lesbian love triangle. But, though satisfying, it is our belief that that shit will do little to combat these broads and their ill-concealed pelvic bones. In short, we need your perverse minds, so start thinking. Our favorite suggestion thus far comes from M.Twist, a fellow who knows a thing or two about living with a raving band o crazies:

M.Twist: dude buy a rabbit's foot one day, put ketchup all over it, and leave it on [Suitemate #4’s] desk
M.Twist: and then bandage up the real rabbit's foot
M.Twist: OH FUCK DID YOU CUT OFF OUR RABBIT'S FOOT
"what? what?"
OH FUCK YOU ARE CRAZY!!

POLL #23

2006-03-18T19:17:00.000-05:00

Is dying a white bunnyrabbit rainbow animal abuse?

Do we give a fuck?

Rachael Katz Knows Crazy Poaeple

2006-03-16T00:52:00.000-05:00

pokeygetshigh: my feckin roommate
pokeygetshigh: omg you have to see this
pokeygetshigh: this is her away message right now...OH MY GOD
pokeygetshigh:

My mom always told me "you and your boyfriend must always value what you have between your legs." Some guys have good intentions, other don't. The worst feeling is the feeling of being used.

...

pokeygetshigh: oh my god okay
pokeygetshigh: my friend from home has this in her profile:

Redmonkey*: why are you so cool, lauren
me: because God made me that way

...

pokeygetshigh: annnnnnnnnnnnnd to top the night off
pokeygetshigh: what my friends boyfriend sent to her and she then posted in her profile:
pokeygetshigh:

imapepper****: awetkjuhdfoijeoraihtrughrgouieg;oijeag
imapepper****: irjgtoreglkejtgoijrgoidfg
imapepper****: oaij oie4
imapepper****: lidsfj wofij af
imapepper****: that was secret code for i love you

Updatez!

2006-03-14T17:28:00.000-05:00

Challa at you, my readers. It’s been a pretty crazy half-week, what with Purim and reading this site, so sorry for that no posts deal. Here’s a list of shit that went down blah blah blah you know the drill.

I Got a D- (no but actually) on a History of Fashion (henceforth: History of Fascism) Paper, Because I “Wrote an English Paper for a History Class.”
Ummmmmm. What do you mean, Professor?
You used metaphors and were colloquial at times.
Right. So where’s the problem?
This is a history class.
Well, I guess so, in that we always talk about where your blazers came from, and the history of your dislike for poor people who can’t afford Chanel. Is there no room for style in a history (OF MOTHERFUCKING FASHION) paper?
Well I guess the real problem is that you appear to have neither a thesis nor an argument.
Oh, word. That does sound like a pretty big problem.
It is serious, yes.
I mean, actually, an essay with no thesis or argument calls for an F, surely.
I suppose.
So why D-?
Because your paper was actually fine and I only didn’t like it because your thesis attacks the materialistic ideals which I hold truest in life, so rather than dealing with that, I thought I’d just make believe you didn’t have a thesis at all, argue that you’re not allowed to use metaphors in history papers, and give you the D- since obviously I can’t give an F to a paper simply because it champions the working man over capitalism and the well-to-do.

Immigrant Bitches Snagged Itself Another Linky
This one comes from old pal / Scottish Freedom Fighter Billy the Kid. Even aside from the obviously superior linkage skills (right hand side, scroll down), this blog is definitely worth a gander. Cheers, Billy!

Shook The S is back in our good graces.
But his beard isn’t.

Some Bitch Grew a Huge Mango
I don’t really have anything else to say about this.

My Neighbor’s Window Was Peed on Last Night
Setting: Gordon 2.
Players: - Tabatha*, girl from across my hall; owner of literally the most annoying voice in history.
- Jane*, her roommate.
- Gay But Not Gay Sylvester*, who is gay, but not, and lives next door.
- Me.
- An unknown pee-er.
What Went Down: I am chilling in my fort, vap-ed out and minding my own business, when all of a sudden a piercing “OMG! Someone PEED on my window!” is heard echoing down the hallway. It’s Tabatha. Laughter, exclamations of shock, and even one “Yo shut the fuck up, we’re trying to read the Megillah” follow.
The voice of Gay But Not Gay Sylvester* is quick to put the question on everyone’s mind into incredibly gay words with a bellowing: “Wait, so like a cock just appeared in front of your window and then started to pee?” (!!!)
“No,” says Tabatha, near tears. “I don’t know. Jane told me.”
“Yeah,” Jane confirms. “I was in the room, when suddenly this drunk dude outside is like ‘YO IM GONNA PEE ON THIS GIRLS WINDOW.’ And I was like ‘Hey! Don’t pee on my fucking window!’ Then there was this pause. And then he peed on our window. I don’t know how he reached.”

So, essentially, I am living in an insane asylum.

WORD.
*((aliases))

New Game!

2006-03-09T17:16:00.000-05:00

Courtesy of S. Dreyfuss: Californian, "otter," man.

Mar 7, 2006 5:35 PM

have u ever played the game where you smash your head down on the keyboard, and try to make a sentence out of the letters that show up??

GFYRU

erm...gay friends yell rude ululations

your turn

Your turn INDEED.

Rate That Beard

2006-03-09T14:01:00.000-05:00

On a Mr. Eko Useless Beards * scale of 1-50, where 1 is a kind of constructive soul patch and 50 is a totally worthless piece of fluffed out nonsense, I give the above a 35. What say you?

*

POLL #22

2006-03-08T13:53:00.000-05:00

Many of you are likely already aware of the wack jewish-mother-guilt-trip-cum-condemnation of us and our shitlist which appeared late last night on partner blog Shook the Spot. I see two ways of handling the situation.

We could either:
1) Pretend To Be the Bigger Blog by a) sitting back and (uh after this) not engaging in such pettiness when real things, like the emergence of recordings in which Yanni’s girlfriend calls 911 having been beat upon by him, are going on in the world, or b) publicly stating our extensive love and respect for S-the-S, and ssshhhhhh little lamb don’t cry, we were only joking blah blah blah....either of which would not only make us seem big-minded, but in addition would also rob Shook the Spot of the Im.Bitch fame he is so clearly secretly reveling in at this very moment (who can blame him).
OR:
2) Embark On a Series of Systematic and Open Assaults on various personal character points, facial hair choices, etc, of S-the-S, by which we would be aiming to first humiliate and then dominate.

The call’s yours, dear readers...(/ your move, Hustla.)

Today is International Women's Day

2006-03-08T13:45:00.000-05:00

Ahahahhahhhaha.

IWD
Feminist calls for anger on Women's Day

Our Shitlist, 6th Edition

2006-03-07T20:30:00.000-05:00

A who’s who of who we can't stand this week. Did you make the cut?

- George Bush
- Karl Rove
- Mike Rounds
- College
- The “city”(?!) of Boston
- Lindsay Lohan’s suspiciously sprightly nip
- The paparazzi
- That lil convenience store at the Stamford Train Station, which was OUT (o-u-t!!) of Fritos
- The conductor on Amtrak train #76, for giving me a weird look – and no answer – when I inquired as to “whether this train carries Fritos or just regular chips.”
- Charlotte Maddox, the 13-yr-old new mum who didn’t realize she was pregnant until she started having contractions, at which point: “I was screaming in pain and put it down to eating too much. I was screaming in pain and shouted, 'I've got to push something, it's coming!'" (Something.)
- COPS; fake cops who are actually professional rapists
- The sat upon, spat upon, ratted on.
- People who do not enjoy this headline
- Donald Trump
- Steven “Steve” McWheat
- Diana’s childhood psychologist, who clearly didn’t even begin to get that job done.

Immigrant Potpourri

2006-03-07T14:53:00.000-05:00

Kevin Barnes Has an Outie, In a Big Way.
I know because he was waving it right in front of my face, gyrating on the floor in white, erm, slacks, and a child’s orange raincoat. Hot? Oh I think so. Hotter? The fact that the show opened with K.B. busting onto stage in a full wedding dress and veil, to the tune of “here comes the bride,” holding a giant bottle of champagne. He then took a swig, looked out at the crowd, and said “Hello, Boston. Will you marry us? Yes? Ok. Good. Now, let’s make some love.” Hottest? The fact that we were FRONT ROW, directly in front of Kevin Barnes during all of this. As in…so close that Arlene, his guitar, almost hit us in the faces like 7 times.

More German Pig News

BERLIN (Reuters) - A German farmer confessed to feeding the corpse of an elderly family friend to his pigs and then stealing from his bank account, police said Monday. Police ruled out murder and the 29-year-old farmer has been charged with improper burial and fraud. The elderly friend died in the farmer's yard in February 2005 and the farmer, through his mother, had power-of-attorney giving him access to the dead man's bank account and pension. The farmer initially put the corpse in a deep freezer, police in the German town of Frizlar-Haddamar said, and told curious locals the old man was in a nursing home.

"From lectures about various religions the 29-year-old knew that Buddhists either burn the dead or allow wild animals to eat them. That was how he decided to feed the corpse to his pigs," the police statement said. He let the corpse thaw, dismembered it and fed it to his pigs. He put the parts the pigs did not eat into a sack and buried it. The farmer told police "it was a great act of stupidity" and said "the only explanation was his difficult financial situation at the time."

Improper burial, really?

I Learned Two Things in History of Fashion Today:
1. Gabrielle Chanel celebrated “simplism”.…uhhh?
2. Our teacher has begun to read the papers we handed in last week, “which are, for the most part, really terrible, but maybe I’m just having a bad day. My checkbook was stolen. I just don’t know what to do.”

In Ancient Brauron, on the Attic coast, in Greece, there was apparently a wack yearly festival concerning some mythological bear-rape in which the little girls got to dress up as bears.
I don’t know if then they were raped or what happened next really, but yo…BEAR COSTUMES! BEARZ! I was totally born in the wrong millennium.

Hermione’s A Corona Girl

2006-03-04T19:29:00.000-05:00

(slashfilm)

That’s right, sweetie. It’s all smiles now. But take it from Diana: time-turner it forward a few spins and you’ll be outside puking all over your just-in-case Ancient Runes textbook, sobbing, and shouting incoherently about whether we think Ron saw you by the Whomping Willow with your hand down Roger Davies’ dress robes...... Fuck Potions, Crookshanks: Advanced Herbology is where you wanna be.

Uh Oh

2006-03-04T18:47:00.000-05:00

Jailed rap star Lil' Kim is reportedly terrified that her breast implants are leaking and is desperately seeking medical attention. The petite rapper - real name Kimberly Jones - was sentenced to serve a year and a day at the Federal Detention Center in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania on perjury and conspiracy charges last year. A source tells the New York Daily News, "She's worried her boobs are leaking. She needs to have them serviced." Bureau Of Prisons spokeswoman Traci Billingsley refused to comment further on the matter saying, "An inmate's medical history is not public."
(IMDb)

Frankly, I don’t see what all the fuss is about: I’m sure there are plenty of inmates who wouldn’t mind giving those babies some service. Someone’s just being a little picky...

Things I Now Know About Stephen Colbert And/Or His Show That You Don’t:

2006-03-03T02:32:00.000-05:00

- When Colbert says “fuck,” it is very hot.
- When Colbert told Huffington that they had wrapped a few minutes ago, everyone, including him, and her, and the cue card dude holding up the “wrap” sign, and us, thought that they had.
- When Colbert fucks up, it is also very hot.
- Arianna Huffington is tiny, and actually not a halfway bad dancer, but she also strikes me as a giant huge slut in her sparkly black top and ill-concealed backbones.
- When Colbert fucks up and then follows it up with an “I fucked that up,” it’s very very hot.
- A bunch of shit was cut out of the interview, including more about Hillary, and Huff’s suggestion that maybe Colbert should go to Baghdad.
- When Colbert fucks up again and then says “I just screwed that poodle,” it’s actually so hot that really there isn’t even a word to describe how hot it is.
- The “also, his last name is parrot” comment was added in on the third take of that falcon segment, on the last-minute recommendation of Colbert’s college friend who was in the audience; “the best thing about it is that his name’s parrot,” yelled the college friend. “You’re in!” shouted Colbert. And he was.
- When Colbert watches himself ferociously eating a turkey leg onscreen, it is violently hot.
- The right-hand side of the audience (Stage Left) is “never very curious” during the pre-show Audience-Colbert question-answer session.
- When Colbert explains why he finds lesbians hot, it’s sexual-orientation-questioningly hot.

MMHmm.

Ps. Those 3rd, 8th, 11th, 29th, and 40th ‘Whoooo’s Were Totally Mine!

The Way To An Immigrant Bitch’s Heart Is Through Her Blog / “This is the Most Masturbatory Site In Existence” – Gilroy**, 2005

2006-03-01T13:15:00.000-05:00

**

It’s been a while since we published a hefty list of shit said about our favorite subject: us, and it’s 13 degrees outside, so let’s warm this piece up with a healthy dose of self-lovin, shall we?

Dr. Alexander F. Brown, Floridian, and the man behind my man on facebook, was kind enough to take a moment out of his demanding make-sure-Diana-doesn’t-steal-or-commit-some-kind-of-random-murder schedule to drop us this line:

Hot Immigrant Bitches has changed my life. Before I chance encountered this insanely witty and insightful blog, I was socially retarded and slightly overweight. Now I’m uber-cool, extremely underweight and addicted to the latest designer drug. Thanks Hot Immigrant Bitches!

That’s good news, Dr. Brown, cause if there’s one thing this blog hates, it’s people who are large. Know that.

Steven McWheat*, alleged quarter-Cuban, and Dr. Brown’s esteemed colleague, was, unfortunately, not psychologically sophisticated enough to grasp the concept of a review at the time of publication:
dirty_panamanian: wanna give molly a review for the blog? we’re thinking of doing a college edition review thing (we used to have like a whole review section this shit was intense)
Steven_McWheat: wtf?
[Umm…not that we ask for reviews or anything. We do just fine.]

*(names may have been changed)

Adriana Baum-Homie, whose dorm room walls sport both an Israeli flag and a giant close up picture of Gumby’s face, said, “Yo, that shout out on your blog was pretty sweet.” Not really a review in the classical sense, but frankly, that ornamental Gumby-Israel action needed to be taken public in a big way.

But our favorite recent Umm-H-I-Bitches coverage is without a doubt courtesy of affiliate educational-freedom-fighter and bright-young-thing bloggers Cossacky_Jew and Jewy_Puritan, the latter of whom continues to especially wow us with linkage performed with such finesse that not only have we stolen the schtick entirely, but also, on numerous occasions, we’ve actually caught ourselves thinking 'Whoa, that was a pretty nice post' before we register that Im.Bitch has been linked, which is pretty shocking given that we generally lose interest very quickly in things that we are not overtly the subject of. Then we see the link to us and our respect for the post is validated.

Ps. What’s everyone doing tonight? Are you going back to NYC to see the Colbert Report live and then eat some real food? Oh – you’re not? Awwe.

But All Homosexuals Are Not Passive

2006-02-28T14:02:00.000-05:00

Boys Beware

Screened during today’s History of Fashion class, between a short clip about corsets and a scene from a movie in which some bitch is dancing in like a fancy skirt or whatever. This came totally 100% without any explanation or reference to fashion in any way whatsoever… So…Thoughts on whether we should take this as a) a happy incident given its outstanding bloggin' potential or b) definitive evidence that it is absolutely time to shake this spot?

Imagine If This Came Out of You

2006-02-25T18:46:00.000-05:00

Rosemary's Baby

Please note especially the picture for Feb 7th’s “I’m heading off to the doc’s this weekend” post.

There are Coyotes In The Chester

2006-02-24T14:49:00.000-05:00

No literally.

Luckily, the Greenburgh Police Department has put out a handy list of ‘Important Coyote Safety Tips.’ Please pay close attention to #s 9 and 10.

1. Do not feed coyotes
2. If you see a coyote, be aggressive in your behavior - make loud noises, wave your arms, throw sticks and stones.
3. Do not allow pets to run free.
4. Do not feed pets outside.
5. Make any garbage inaccessible to coyotes and other animals.
6. Eliminate availability of bird seed. Coyotes are attracted to the concentration of birds and rodents that come to feeders. If you do feed birds, clean up waste seed and spillage.
7. Fencing your yard may deter coyotes. The fence should be tight to the ground, preferably extending six inches below ground level.
8. Remove brush and tall grass from around your property to reduce protective cover for coyotes.
9. Teach children to appreciate coyotes from a distance.
10. Regulated hunting and trapping increases the "fear" coyotes have towards people.
11. Ask your neighbors to follow these same steps.

Erm, thanks, Greenburgh, this is very helpful. Just a quick word on #10: I looked into this whole “fear” issue a little more, and found the following on The NY State Department’s “Preventing and Resolving Coyote Conflicts” site –

Some coyotes in suburbia have lost their fear of people. This can result in a dangerous situation. A coyote who does not fear people should be considered dangerous. Coyotes in residential areas quickly learn to associate food with people. Suburban coyote food (garbage, pet food, pets) is saturated with human odor. Human behavior has changed to be non-threatening to coyotes (running into your home after seeing a coyote is behaving like prey). In short, food smells like people and people behave like prey.

Um...word. I guess it’s never a good idea to behave like prey…But seriously, the key here is to make sure the coyotes, as a community, know who’s boss. You’ve gotta fuck with their minds a little. Roll around in a bucket of chicken stock, throw on some mood music, and make a big show of telling amusing or touching coyote stories to your child, outside, at night. This will make the coyotes a little comfortable, a little sloppy on their game. Maybe one of them will come over and see what’s going on. Smile at it. Then pull out your shotgun and slaughter without mercy. After this, it would be wise to hitch that dead coyote carcass to the back of your ‘Ru and, like Achilles before you, drag that bitch all around town. This will send a clear message of dominance to all the other coyotes, and then your bird seed won’t be fucked with any more.

Fight The Power / Not a Good Week for the Germans

2006-02-22T17:29:00.000-05:00

Thanks to our midwestern correspondent Katie L. L. for this gem:

BERLIN (Reuters) - A 52-year-old man from the German town of Darmstadt tried in vain to get a refund for 400 euros ($475) worth of what he said was "bad marijuana" from his dealer before turning to the police for help, according to authorities.

The police then charged the man with violating drugs possession laws and confiscated the 200 grams of marijuana he brought with him to the police station, according to a report in Bild am Sonntag newspaper on Sunday.

"It is un-usable," the man told police in the hope they would help him get his money back. Amounts of up to 30 grams of marijuana are allowed in most German states for private consumption.

That really blows. But hey man, look on the bright side: it was just a little schwag, just a little arrest – worse things could have happened. Like…having your village flooded by liquid pig manure, or something.

Neither Zach Braff Nor His Brother Joshua Are At All Funny or Poignant

2006-02-20T21:43:00.000-05:00

Dear The Youth,

Hey, I’m Zach Braff, and I have a lot to teach you. You see, unlike those other people in your life, like your parents, or your friends, I understand you. I understand that life is uncertain and not always pretty. There is some fucked up shit out there. But I also understand that out of that terror – that blind terror we all have when it comes to letting one’s guard down and accepting life for what it is instead of always expecting more – comes a certain still beauty. Especially when you find someone who has the capacity to crawl inside your soul.

You should really see my movie Garden State if you want to truly understand what I’m talking about here – that’s kind of what it’s about. But hey, it’s just an independent movie – please, don’t think this is about self-promotion: commercialism isn’t what I’m after here, I’m an artist, not a businessman – I just wrote, directed and starred in the movie (did you know that?), I didn’t finance the fucking thing. Because money isn’t the answer. Finding someone you can be yourself with is.

Ps. There’s this new band I bet none of you have heard of called “Clap Your Hands Say Yeah.” I’ve just discovered them and I’ve been listening to a lot of their shit while I work on my next script and hang out with my girlfriend Mandy. You should too.

Posted by ZACH BRAFF at 9:43 PM

Zach Braff
His Brother Joshua

NB: The Blatant “I’m Friends With a V-L (FWAV-L)” Pilferage!

Today’s RevelationS:

2006-02-20T18:57:00.000-05:00

1. This blog is now totally comprised entirely of posts about a) banging and/or b) insobriety…. When did that happen? I think (gasp gasp!) we need Diana back if this is what happens when I am left to my own devices. (!!)

2. “Magician” and “Musician” are pretty much the same word. Coincidence? NO. Music is magical.

POLL #….21!!?

2006-02-20T18:53:00.000-05:00

Is this new layout totally fucking ugly and I just can’t tell cause I both a) was stoned when I made it and b) am stoned right now?

How Was Everyone’s Saturday Night?: Bellow Family Dinner Edition

2006-02-19T14:35:00.000-05:00

Person A got piss drunk on 6 glasses of Bellow Family wine, assured everyone that “on a sobriety scale of 1-10, I am a 9,” and then proceeded to tell a bunch of stories involving crusty skeet towels and shat-upon car seats. The night was only halfway done when later, on the roof, Person A exposed his balls in order to fulfill a fabricated, totally non-existent dare.

All of this would probably have been more shocking had Person B not begun the evening by telling a story about a friend who is so allergic to shellfish that she once blew a dude who had eaten shellfish earlier that evening, and then had to be taken to the hospital as her face swelled all red and puffy like Ned Beatty’s.

Person C was told by Person A that they have “gorilla breasts.”

Person D was told by Person A that they have “half a face like a dog advertisement…you know – those ‘bow bow bow’ commercials: like meow mix but for dogs.”

Person E explained Brokeback Mountain to members of the table who hadn't seen it as “The Bridges of Madison County, but gay…like…The Fudge Tunnel of Madison County: ‘the bridges have all fallen; there’s only one way to get outta here now, and that’s through the tunnel. Let’s go.’”

I love the Bellows so much.

Who Said It?

2006-02-19T12:17:00.000-05:00

“Hey, Mr. Columbia University Police officer, I have a suggestion to make: why don't you snort a line of coke off my erect penis?”

Joseph P. Healey, PhD, gives comedy a try…

2006-02-18T04:19:00.000-05:00

We remain an institution committed to independent thought and inquiry, even into difficult topics.

With best wishes,

Joe Healey
Head of School

Fresh outta slave-jargon?

Awkward!!

2006-02-17T03:01:00.000-05:00

And now, ladies and gents, another inductee into the “Omg, That’s So Awkward” Awkward Situations Hall of Fame:

Place: My dorm room.
Time: Wednesday Night.
Experienced the Awkwardness: Whitney L. and Myself.
Caused the Awkwardness: Em. Spec. (umm and us)
The Awkwardness: Whitney L. and I are looking at some shit on my computer. Due to the nature of my under-bed fort-desk, I am sitting on the chair with W.L. on me. Not awkward. It becomes mad uncomfortable; W.L. suggests “the most comfortable position she’s ever experienced” – a double cross-legged yoga-stretch-esque wack little hug. We do it. A tiny bit awkward. I think, and then say “you know what would be so awkward, if Em. Spec. walked in right now.” We let this settle in. Awkward. Literally (no literally) 2 seconds later, Em. Spec. walks in (seriously.). Panicking, I scramble half out of the yoga-esque hug, such that W.L.’s legs are spread open towards a gasping Em. Spec. and I am squirming on the floor, half in between her legs. Really fucking awkward. W. L. and I simultaneously enter into high babbling explanations of what’s going on; Em. Spec. forces a laugh and walks in silence to her desk. Actually the most awkward shit ever.

The Outcome: Em. Spec. definitely thinks the two of us are secret girlfriends.

FYI, and POLL #20!!

2006-02-16T21:05:00.000-05:00

Postz might be a lil lighter than usual in the upcoming week, as I will be HOME and high in my bathtub eating my moms’s cookin for the most part. But don’t fret; you’ve still got Diana. Aha. Hhahahha.

In the meantime, please hit this (courtesy of one Adrianna Baum-Homie), as well as the tasty new links you’ll find on the right.

Also, please answer the following:
SHOULD Umm Hot Immigrant Bitches abandon the dazzling green for a fresher color?

POLL #s 17-19!!!

2006-02-13T12:38:00.000-05:00

POLL #17
When’s the last time you did school work in a consistent way?

POLL #18
When did you first start smoking pot in a consistent way?

POLL #19
How much would your life suck if for every time you smoked a boatload of ganja, you read a boatload of Thomas Hardy instead?

((beginning of 9th grade / end of 9th grade / A LOT))

Aaaaaha! and WORD!

2006-02-10T01:59:00.000-05:00

Aaaaaha!

WORD!

A List of Things I Plan to Eat

2006-02-08T12:42:00.000-05:00

Well, I go home in 9 days for our random weeklong February Presidents' Day / Why Not break, so here’s a list of things I cannot wait to eat:

- Momma Voz’s Roast Chicken (mmmmmmm)
- Momma Voz's tacos (mmmm)
- Momma Voz’s anything else she’ll make me (mmmmmmmmmm)
- Noda’s Hibachi fried Rice (mmmmm)
- Scrambled Egg on a Roll with Crispy bacon from Mont Parnasse (no cheese!) [mmmm]
- Amy’s Mac & Soy Cheese (mmmmm)
- Japanese food (mmm)
- Ollie’s (mmmmm)
- Sandwich(es) from Hartsdale Cheeeesery (mm mm)
- LANGE’S (mmmmmmmm!)
- Bagels and Tofu cream cheese and Lox (mmm)
- HOMEMADE motherfucking pumpkin Pie! (mmmmmm)
- Homemade MANDEL BREAD (mmmmmm)
- Homemade applesauce (mmmm)
- Umm, and anything else that has the misfortune of falling in my line of vision as I eat my way out of February without mercy.

Ohmygod omgomgomggg

Today’s Revelation:

2006-02-07T01:39:00.000-05:00

People who believe in "heaven" can’t really enjoy life. It’s like eating a sandwich at 5 when you know you’re going to a sumptuous banquet at 7: that sandwich will not be given half the attention in deserves. It’s exactly like that, only the banquet is totally fucking imaginary.

Bored?

2006-02-06T16:51:00.000-05:00

http://www.laundryview.com/

Apparently you can’t watch real loads live action-stylo unless you are AT the jewniversity, but I’m told the sample page is still pretty amazing.

PS. Speaking of laundry, and “loads,” remember in LOST a couple weeks ago when Hurley was going to mack on that blonde lady whilst she did her laundry and Sawyer was like “looks like someone else has a load to drop off”? That was pretty amazing.

POLL #16!!!!!!!!

2006-02-04T02:44:00.000-05:00

Should I buy me a motherfucking goldfish?

Contest #1

2006-02-02T16:44:00.000-05:00

So guess what bitches? I am running for my dorm government. I know, wtf am I thinking? My last stab at politics was in third grade where I killed any shot at a victory by accidentally cursing at my voters during my speech. It'll be different this time, I swear!

So here is what I need...a SLOGAN! I am asking you, the loyal, bright, clever, constantly wasted readers of Immigrant Bitches to help me in my quest to win some position from which I can yield greater power than the Sauron ever dreamed of.

So get on that shit (campaign poster ideas are welcome as well)

The winner will receive a lovely lap dance from the Pasty Russian ( I have yet to consult her regarding this, so if she refuses because you happen to be too heinously ugly for her, I'll just buy you a hooker of your choice, male, female, or both)

Board Meeting #1:

2006-02-01T18:29:00.000-05:00

Objective: To explore why “dirty_panamanian” posts have been so few in number of late.

dirty_panamanian: i mean i dont do shite [on the blog] i am there for the support
dirty_panamanian: i am like on the bored u know
dirty_panamanian: u run the company
dirty_panamanian: and i make sure it goes smoothly
dirty_panamanian: keep u in line
dirty_panamanian: if u get out of hand
PASTY_RUSSIAN: hahHHAHAHAH you are our maria r***ter?
dirty_panamanian: fuckk yea

We have a sister?

2006-01-31T18:48:00.000-05:00

Apparently Umm Hot Immigrant Bitches is not the sole destination for "hot bitches" of this world. It turns out this little blog we all know and love has a sibling, a sister in fact...

And she is Jewish...eww

After some intense researching of this site I've come to the conclusion that our mission as hot bitches is entirely different. While we (ok just the Russian) try to bring you the latest in all that is related to the ganja and Har Po, our Jewish counterparts are more concerned with finding that doctor husband Grandma Esther would be so proud of. I don't think there is going to be much of a sense of sisterhood here, but then again the Pasty Russian is a undeniably an UBER Jew now, perhaps they can bond over that shit. I'll stick with my darling catholicism.

Check it out mother fuckers:

http://hotjewishbitches.blogspot.com/

Probably The Two Hottest Wizards Ever

2006-01-31T15:18:00.000-05:00

It’s been a while since we’ve had any Harry Potter news to report, so hopefully you’ve all taken this muggled-out time to let your Potterlust mellow and hibernate in preparation for the huge surge it’s about to take. What? I’m not sure. Renewed thoughts of Harry Potter’s fine wizard ass are clouding my wordsmithing abilities at the mo’.

Anyway. It has just been reported that the roles of black wizard Kingsley Shacklebolt and young, hot James Potter (who we see all pompous and tasty in Snape’s memory) have been cast for Order of the Phoenix – Shacklebolt going to “George Harris” of Layer Cake, and James to some dude allegedly named “Robbie Jarvis.” This is very exciting as a) Shacklebolt is black, so he will probably be the most badass wizard of all time, and b) James is James, so…actually the hottest wand-waver ever. Here’s a pic of Old Kingsley – check him out in all his cross-eyed splendor (make sure to notice the look of mingled fear/awe in the ALSO crossed eyes of his woman companion). [NB: There are currently no pictures of Robbie Jarvis available, as likely he is just too hot for conventional cameras, burning a hole of desire and rampant passion through any device that haughtily thinks it can capture his powerful image.]

mmmm

Plus

2006-01-30T00:28:00.000-05:00

- Alex's second grade assistant teacher Ms. Stickley

Our Shitlist, 5th Edition

2006-01-29T13:20:00.000-05:00

A quick little fuck-you on this lovely Sunday morning to the following:

- George Bush
- Karl Rove
- Tom Delay
- Lactose
- Turkish Chefs
- Armenian non-sympathizers
- Half-Cubans
- Hillary Duff’s new teeth
- Lily’s old teeth
- Little girls who study study study all week long and then bust out in pink frilly slut shirts come the weekend
- Sienna Miller
- K-Fed
- La Lohan
- UPN
- WB
- BEMCO
- Sherman “Dining Hall”
- Right Wing Jews
- Diana Richter (POST, bitch; I ain’t PLAYIN no more)

Words/Phrases I Never Want To Hear Again:

2006-01-25T13:58:00.000-05:00

So…A week and a half into my Jewish liberal arts college education now – time for a lil round up of shit I never want to hear spoken again, ever, in class or otherwise:

“Contrived”
“On a theoretical level”
“As it says in the Talmud” (true story)
“My pet peeve is fake people”
“Are you coming to Friday night services?”
“Why aren’t you coming to Friday night services?”
“I understand where you’re coming from, but…”
“Love is manufactured, it’s not real, and anyone who says otherwise is lying to themselves”
“Would you like to hear a little bit about sorority life?”
“Autonomous”
“Duplicitous”
“Wicked”
“Israel”
“Kosher”

~ MORE TO COME, I am sure ~

My New Hero

2006-01-25T13:41:00.000-05:00

It doesn’t take a Brandeis degree to understand that finals week at college is a fucking motherfucker. Knowing you have an assload of work that you haven’t begun is like the feeling you get when you realize there are still 3.5 hours of Harvard A Cappella left and your high is seriously dwindling. Even now, just thinking about all that upcoming reading, cheating, dreading, hurling, makes me yearn for the days of nap time and animal crackers, when chilling with people meant calling up your Moms and seeing if whatever you were having for dinner was better or worse than what your friend was having, and your stuffed animal friends traveled everywhere with you… the good old days, otherwise known as Molly’s fall semester.

So how to cope, come finals week? What is a poor overworked student to do? Well, if they’re anything like My New Hero, the answer is: pretty much anything they can find. Wait for it…Yeah. (FYI: Like last time, the behavior which landed My New Hero such hot distinction involves some illicit shit (illicshit?), so, once again, we’ll run this bas-tard without names.)

Now, readers of this blog / people who have ever met or heard of me know that I have seen my fair share of smoking etc. over the years, but what I saw My New Hero engage in last week surpassed all. Why? Because not only was M.N.H. high on like 4 different blends of ganj and also WHIPPETs and I think some wack kind of actually really tasty beer, and not only did this all go down, pretty steadily, between the hours of 6 p.m. (an hour after M.N.H. woke up) and 5:30 a.m., but, in addition, as the room found out at about 4:45 a.m., M.N.H. had a FINAL to take at 9:15 the following morning. YEAH.

As the majority of our readers grew up in the Fieldston tradition of work – i.e. “Hey Mr. XXXX, I was up late last night watching Date My Mom so I don’t think I’m really prepared for this test; is it ok if I go eat a Bacon Egg & Cheese now and take this beast tomorrow,” many probably entered into college without a real idea of what actual work would feel like, or with doubts as to whether they were built for studying and shit. Well, if you are one of those nervous people, My New Hero and I are here to say re-lax. If ever you feel stressed about finals, just take page out of M.N.H.’s book: get up, look that work straight in the eye (Eko-on-the-Smoke-Monster style), and calmly and determinedly say: “fuck it.” Then watch as all that pressure and exertion slide slide sliiiiiiiiiide away, leaving you happy and perfectly at peace. After all, if the people who invented college wanted people to work there, they would have fucking called it “work,” not college. You taste me? WORD.

Yes, Virginia, There Is An Immigrant Bitches

2006-01-20T17:35:00.000-05:00

In the past weeks, numerous readers have expressed concern as to whether Immigrant Bitches would survive my move to lovely Waltham, Mass, and the jewniversity located there. Indeed, even esteemed teacher and routine dropper-by to famous writers’ houses (as well as self-proclaimed “time to time” reader of this blog) John Aune found himself compelled to inquire. Why? Because that is how fucking addictive this bloggle is. It’s exactly like crack, and those of you who have spoken to me and/or Lily recently know that I/we know a few things about the white rock. And so, I’d like to make it officially known that Immigrant Bitches aint goin nowhere, unless you count the inner most sectors of the hearts and souls of readers around the world as a place.

Here’s what’s been going down in the world whilst I’ve been playing the name game and hitting the pipe with a whole new cluster of artsy Moses-lovers:

Holiday checks you still haven’t cashed? William Shatner is selling his kidney stone.

Jewz aren’t the only big-nosed creatures that like to take down Christmas:

Bellow and I are writing a screenplay. It will change the world, and also totally annihilate the delicate friendship bonds of at least one entire social circle.

Meg Ryan is buying some Chinese person.

Umm…probably some other shit. More to come SOON

And They Said It Would Never Happen

2006-01-16T00:59:00.000-05:00

.............I AM AT COLLEGE.

(wtf???!!)

POLL #11(?)!!!!

2006-01-12T19:16:00.000-05:00

How many pairs of pantz is too many pairs of pantz, college-wise? Or, alternately, can you ever have too many pairs of pantz?

Mazel Tov!

2006-01-07T03:44:00.000-05:00

It has come to our attention that last week, whilst vacationing in the Holy Land, our very own D. Mordechai Berger bagged an Israeli chick. The exact circumstances under which said banging went down – like place, time, and whether the two are in love or if Berger was just tasting the local cuisine, so to speak – are still unclear. All we know for sure is that this is one item on Berger’s life To Do list that he can check the fuck off, and for that, Immigrant Bitches salutes him.

New Year’s Resolutions:

2005-12-31T17:32:00.000-05:00

- Stop buying weed.
- Start stealing it.
- Use moisturizer every day.
- Be kinder to animals.
- At least pretend to listen to Diana when she talks about her life.
- Update blog at a steadier rate.
- Smoke with Lily’s mom.
- Only start crafts projects which you will actually finish (i.e. none).
- Take vitamins.
- Dognap Vamenoose.
- Do not dognap “Ruby,” or at least not until she demonstrates a fuller appreciation for Wheat Thins.
- Stop being so publicly racist.
- Don’t fail / get thrown out of college.

What’s your resolution?!

POLL #11!!!!

2005-12-26T19:55:00.000-05:00

What do you think the V-L family Chanukah present is, and also how excited are you for that shit?

AWKWARD!

2005-12-22T21:08:00.000-05:00

And now, ladies and gents, a new inductee into the “Omg, That’s So Awkward” Awkward Situations Hall of Fame:

Place: The bathroom of an undisclosed apartment on the Upper West Side.
Time: Tuesday Night.
Experienced the Awkwardness: L. Bellow and Myself.
Caused the Awkwardness: B. Levin.
The Awkwardness: Bellow and I are relaxing, blueberry hazed and chilling in the bathroom, as we are wont to do, with Sam G. and 2 other female non-readers of the blog. Sam has to get his piss on; the four ladies turn away and continue to talk whilst he pees, cause it’s Sam, and everyone’s seen him naked anyway. Not awkward.

The evening progresses and Bellow and I find ourselves alone in the bathroom (where we stayed all night) minding our business, when all of a sudden shazam! B. Levin comes busting in to find us there. A full 2-3 minutes of confused explanation until we gather that he “just came in cause he has to take a piss.” There are, according to him, two possible ways of handling the situation: we can leave for a minute, or we can turn and he can “just piss right here into the tub.” “You can also use the toilet,” Bellow suggests. Being that we are hazy and lazy, that the turn-around-toilet option was the last option and therefore is quite fresh in our minds, and that there was no awkwardness when we previously had employed the same course of action with Sam, we decide on that plan.

Bellow and I turn around. There are only 2 of us this time though, and so we find ourselves facing the wall with our heads against the tile as if we are about to be patted down. Kind of awkward. Bellow and I share some light conversation as we wait for B. Levin to do his business. Awkward. A good 3-4 minutes pass when we both independently realize that we have heard absolutely no pissing. Very awkward. We each turn to communicate our realization to the other, only to find that we both had the same thought; much concealed laughter; still no urination to speak of. Extremely awkward. A call from a friend to B. Levin’s phone, which is on silent, and a very loud and frustrated rustle and “FUCK” from B. Levin. Not knowing about the phone, we assume the “FUCK” is in aggravated regards to the fact that B.L. is apparently unable to pee. Bellow and I collapse on the floor in a fit of silent, stunned laughter. B.L. storms out. Seriously the most awkward shit ever.

Have You Ever Seen A Man Being Killed?

2005-12-20T16:40:00.000-05:00

That is a question which before yesterday, I would have laughed off. But last night was no laughing matter. For last night, a man died. Right in front of us. Because of us. Yes. We killed a man last night.

It was 2:45 in the morning, and as I, our own Lily B., Antonia M., and a last person who wishes to remain nameless on account of the fact that she committed murder last night, drove the darkened streets of NYC, we were happy and calm. Little did we know that it was the calm before the mortal storm. Dropping off Antonia M. at her place of residence, it became clear that in order for A.M. to successfully exit the ‘Ru, the nameless 4th party would have to open her door and get out first. A solid plan in theory, but somehow, things went brutally awry. For as the nameless 4th opened the door, instead of that sweet swish of car door meeting solely night air, what was heard instead was a deafening BASH. And then….and then, silence. We all looked up in terror. What was that?! And then we saw it. Oh shit. Oh shit shit shit. She totally just hit a passing bicyclist with the car door.

For a brief moment, it looked like everything was going to be ok. The cyclist swerved, cried out, but then straightened. We let out a collective sigh of relief…a little too soon. Because as it happens, what we had taken as impressive composure on the cyclist’s part turned out in fact to be death. It wasn’t until he scooted to the end of the street, past our car, that we realized it: for it was then that he Fell. To the ground. With his bike. He was dead.

And that’s when the panic set in. Do we call the police? Do we go out and see if he has any valuables on him?

“Drive Molly,” said Lily, suddenly, rousing us.
“I…what?”
“Drive. Just….drive.” She shook her head, hard resolve in her burning eyes. “None of us were here tonight. You didn’t come into the city. We never saw each other, ok?! Just drive. DRIVE MOLLY, DRIVE.”
And that is just what we did.

I probably shouldn’t have posted on this, I probably should have put it deep in the vault along with the yearbook fights we don’t mention and the intricate web of lies and deceit I recently constructed for no reason whatsoever (true story), but it was just too much to keep inside. The four of us are forever linked because of that night – forever tied….by the cold bonds of murder.

Ja bless.

POLL # 11!!!!!

2005-12-18T23:46:00.000-05:00

DO you know what mandelbread is?

And if so, how delicious is that shit?!

My New Hero

2005-12-16T16:06:00.000-05:00

Being a huge badass has many perks, but I think the best one might be the bevy of other badasses that constantly surrounds me (please see entire blog). Given this, it’s obviously no shock when someone does something that makes me go “eheu,” but every once in a while someone does something so Chuck Norris that Norris himself would think, “wow, look at the balls on them.”

And so, it is my pleasure to introduce a new new feature to the blog: “My New Hero.” It’s pretty much just what it sounds like: a time when I single out a piece of behavior so badass that even I was totally floored.

Due to potential legal, educational, and parental ramifications, and the fact that the new hero in question has no idea that this is happening so I have no idea if they are ok with it, we’re going to have to fly this first bitch sans names. But that’s ok, it just gives the act an extra special sense of mystery and allure. Mmmm.

But I’ve kept you waiting long enough. And so, without any further ado, it is my joy to announce that…My New Hero is….prepare yourselves….someone we all know and love from highschool….who people probably totally think is really innocent….who…when they came home from college this week…..BROUGHT A PIPE AND A FOURTH OF WEED ON THE PLANE WITH THEM.

Wow. That is a fucking accomplishment. May we all be so lucky to do something so badass once in our lives. Now, granted, the person in question didn’t smuggle that weed over the Atlantic in her cooch, as another acquaintance once did (if you don’t know what I’m talking about then please, ask, because everyone should know this story)…but still, isn’t giving a big fuck you to man’s worst friend, those little drug sniffing dogs, something we’ve all dreamt about? Immigrant Bitches applauds you, drug-smuggler, you truly are an inspiration to us all.

How Was Everyone’s Saturday Night: Belated Edition

2005-12-15T18:51:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the hiatus – we’ve been on holiday, and by holiday I mean a high stupor so palpable that only a strict regiment of nightly stoned chats and my mother telling me “you look like a junkie, Molly, I’m not kidding” could rouse me from it. Anyway, it’s been a while since we broke out one of these babies, but the filthy weekend behavior of the past few weeks warrants a fresh installment, methinks.

Over Thanksgiving weekend, Persons A and B got tremendously high and ended up chilling in a fucking huge, human-sized spice rack closet for most of the evening. There, they noticed that one of the spices was cinnamon – in stick form. Having made this delightful discovery, Persons A and B almost immediately decided to hit that. After exhausting the “hehe it looks like I’m smoking a cigarette” game, they quickly settled on breaking up the cinnamon sticks into little flakes, layering that sweetness into a bowl of weed, and smoking that fucking cinnamon. It was, apparently, ‘spectacular.’

That same weekend, Persons C-G rolled up illegally into the parking lot of a synagogue AND BLAZED THERE. Oh! What a quick little mechiah!

Where to start with Person H? I guess the best place is where most of these juicy little meatballs start: with a dorm room and surfeit of alcohol. It is the opinion of this blogger that at least 10 to 15 How-Was-Everyone’s-Saturday-Night-worthy occurrences probably went down over the course of the night, but vodka is a beguiling bitch, and the next morning, Person H only had one to report. That said, it’s one for the fucking books. Having formerly set their eye on a person who was, to Person H’s previous horror, exceptionally unavailable given their newly-cancer-ridden, once-ex, now for a second time (given the cancer) current significant other (is everyone still with me?), Person H was delighted to discover on the night in question that since they had last conversed, Ol’ Cancer had been dropped like a diseased potato and the object of P.H.’s desire was once again on the market. A night of very very intoxicated flirting ensued, ending where it all began: in the dorm room of our very own Person H. Now, lest you think ill of Person H, let me take this opportunity to once again remind you of how drunk P.H. was at this time, and also point out that he/she did not enter that room without a plan: for their shrewd roommate advised no sex and no oral, and to P.H.’s drunken credit, that is exactly what they didn’t do. Anyway, back to the making out: snuggling, sniggling, snoggling – you name it (as long as its name isn’t sex or oral), and it went down in that bed. But alas, P.H.’s Snuggle Buddy had more on their mind…and so, like the guy Charlotte dates in Sex & The City and the Jamaican father before them, the Snuggle Buddy performed that ever-lauded I-want-head-so-I’m-gonna-ram-your-face-down-to-my-crotch maneuver. Understandably, P.H. wasn’t too happy. “I just met you,” they tried. “Oh, haha, you’re right, maybe this is going too fast, that would be weird,” replied the Snuggle Buddy. Rejuvenated, the two once again began to snog, before…the Snuggle Buddy TRIED TO HAVE SEX with P.H. like 5 times. Now…readers, a word to the wise: if the person you’re making out with doesn’t want to go down on you, then likely sex is out of the question. That is a lesson the S.B. had to learn the hard way. At any rate, after wholly rebuffing any and every attempt of the Snuggle Buddy’s for sex etc., P.H. was for the 100th time that evening totally shocked by the S.B. when, drifting off into a discomfited sleep given the fact that the S.B. didn’t leave even when it was MAD obvious that they were not wanted, P.H. heard a feeble “Hey, would it be ok if we were just friends?”. Yes. Seriously. Now, I bet you think this couldn’t get any worse. Well, you are dead wrong. For after all that, after having to literally remove the S.B.’s hand from their loins and then a mere hour later agreeing to “just be friends,” Person H. woke up the next morning to find that….drum roll please….the S.B. had told everyone in their entire house that shit didn’t work out because P.H., whore that they are, wanted things to move waaay fast sexually, and the S.B. just wasn’t interested in taking it in that direction.

PHEW. Enjoy!

Go Here Now:

2005-12-07T20:40:00.000-05:00

http://www.ephemeroi.com/unsleeping/arkv/004459.html

I can't even make a joke here or give you a snazzy line - it would be like bringing a store-bought pumpkin pie and having it introduce one of those unbelievably amazing pumpkin pies made by me.

WORD.

Today’s Revelation:

2005-12-07T01:28:00.000-05:00

An emory board is just a very cruel tongue depressor.

The Best Single Television Episode That I Have Ever Seen

2005-12-05T21:28:00.000-05:00

MADE: "Soccer": A heavy, gay teen wants to become a soccer player in order to gain other guys' attention.

Ok. First of all, a few things on that description. 1) How much does it BLOW to be credited as “a heavy, gay teen?” What with him being a heavy, gay teen, he probably has enough on his heavy, gay plate without having to worry about the fact that he was nationally fucking credited as “a heavy, gay teen.” Come on, MTV, have some sense. 2) In that same vein, why would a heavy, gay teen seek to “gain other guys’ attention”?! Now, I’m not sure I’ve ever known any heavy, gay teens (cue everyone pointing out all the portly homosexuals at fieldston that I never knew about), but I would think that if you were a heavy, gay teen, not being noticed would be top on your list.

In any case, I highly, HIGHLY recommend this episode. And if the above reasonlettes to watch weren’t enough for you, take a gander at these beauts: A) The heavy, gay teen narrates in a voice gayer than I even knew existed – seriously, it sounds like Richard Simmons putting on a bad gay voice. It is like, soooooooo gay. B) At one point, one of the soccer team guys tells the heavy, gay teen that some of the other guys from the team are coming over, and would he like to come? The heavy, gay teen’s response is “OOOHHmmygooddd. SEEEEEERIOUSLY?!!!”. C) He lisps. D) In the end, the heavy, gay teen’s father totally admits to “finally being able to be proud of his son.”

YOU'RE WELCOME!

Today’s Revelation:

2005-12-04T03:20:00.000-05:00

There is no difference between having ADD and just being really high. All those little kids who were diagnosed with ADD probably just re-upped one too many times. I would mock them, but as it happens, they were given complimentary Adderall as some kind of warped punishment for that shit, so it’s pretty clear who got the last laugh as far as that goes.

On a Similarly Joyful Note,

2005-12-03T18:17:00.000-05:00

It is my pleasure to announce that today is our very own L. Sinead R’s birthday. Happy Birthday, L.S.R.! Welcome to the grown up’s table.

Hey Everybody, Remember That Time…

2005-12-03T18:11:00.000-05:00

We flickered up a spliff on the bleachers?

POLL #10 !!

2005-11-30T17:59:00.000-05:00

If you could have any kind of sandwich RIGHT NOW, which would you pick and why?

I would go for a Harry Potter-Cedric Diggory sandwich, or maybe that humus vegetable one from Cosi.

Our Shitlist, 4th Edition

2005-11-28T22:26:00.000-05:00

Is it just us, or have these past few weeks been particularly spiteful? Here’s who we found most offensive:

- George Bush
- Karl Rove
- Sam Alito
- The waitresses at the Abbey (who by the way, all look the same, wtf…and by “the same,” I mean bitchy and Hispanic)
- The 12 year olds at the Abbey (in particular the one on Saturday night who picked up her cell phone, slammed down her pina colada, and exclaimed “ohmygod, my dad knows we’re here, guys” very loudly to all her appalled 12 year old friends)
- Fox, for canceling Arrested Development
- ABC, for canceling Alias
- Gentiles around the world, but principally in America (half-apology to Diana)
- People who enjoy limp bacon
- Brutus
- Servilia
- Dan Maas
- Butter (both the restaurant and the bagel, toast, etc. topping)
- Aaron Nathan
- Anyone who chose the “just us” option for the query found at the beginning of this post
- Moaning Myrtle
- Amy Byrne
- Levi’s friend Liz’s friend from LA who allegedly made out with Harry Potter (!!!!!!)
- Facebook
- The po-po
- The Others
- Lily’s dog “Ruby,” for thrice refusing a generously offered Wheat Thin, even after I lifted her flopped-out ear up to explain the situation to her
- Joya’s dog whose name I don’t know, but who totally tried to nibble myself and Justine more than once as we lay hidden in that Spice Rack
- J.K. Rowling for not throwing a pantsless Cedric Diggory scenelette up in there
- Voldemort

You know what's beautiful?

2005-11-24T02:11:00.000-05:00

That the HOT IMMIGRANT BITCHES have been united once again!

A-FUCKING-MEN

I Just Saw Pride & Prejudice, and…

2005-11-22T21:14:00.000-05:00

I want a Man.

The day we all dreaded has arrived

2005-11-21T15:12:00.000-05:00

and it's a BIRTHDAY!

Sing the fuck along and wish the Pasty Russian a beautifully deliciously sensuously lactose free

19th BIRTHDAY

WOO WOO HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

now go smoke yourselves a bowl in celebration, the pasty russian wouldn't want it any other way.

You are SO BEAUTIFUL to us lil white pumpkin muffin. If one day we find ourselves all huddled in the woods lost and being chased by an evil billy goat and you see in the distance an enormous weed plant but the only way to attain the weed plant is by leaving those of us in the group to rot and die, you would most certainly go a running for that lil plant of beauteousness b/c if you didn't I would never call you my friend. Yea words o wisdom

BDAY BDAY BDAY BDAY BDAY BDAY BDAY BDAY!

Railroad Hats Are the Shit

2005-11-20T20:09:00.000-05:00

Go out and buy one of these bas-tards right now.