umm hot immigrant bitches

2006-09-05T14:41:00.000-04:00

Kevin Federline-Lose Control(World Premiere)

That's right, I'm back and I'm bringing K Fed with me because really this video has got me mad impressed with his skillz. I have always been on Britney's side...ALWAYS. This blog is 100% against Brit bashing ok?

Also I suppose condolences are in order regarding the loss of that croc man but enough people have his image as their facebook picture that I'll just say there is a video of his death and I can't wait to see that shit online! YES!

OHfuck!

2006-06-19T19:48:00.000-04:00

Help Save Screech's House

This hurts.

Immigrant Potpourri

2006-06-18T00:07:00.000-04:00

We’re not going to explain ourselves or that absence. But hey! Now that we’re back, let’s see how many people we can insult in one go! Here’s what’s been happenin:

Yesterday, Our Mockery World Exploded with the Ridiculousness of the Following:
The following what? The following MySpace page! Now, as we’re pretty sure the talent in question devotes any time not spent delighting in common thievery and/or smoking mad good tree to googling herself, we can’t publish any specifics, but Diana “doesn’t think” she reads the blog, which is good enough for us, so we can hint pretty explicitly and not even feel bad. Take the first and middle names of everyone’s favorite pretend folk singer and slap those gals at the end of a http://www.myspace.com/ and be amazed amazed amazed, and maybe a little queasy too. Make sure your volume’s up, and pay especial close attention to the glass-ass line. I swear to god you will swear it’s Joni omg. (Um Ps. If the lady in question does happen to find this post then, I guess… sorry I just officially ended our friendshiplet via the internets? Word. That’s all I got, sorry-wise.)

Other News:

Diana Farted In Front of her Boss
Proving once and for all that just because your mom’s posh neighbor friend got you a fancy khakis-and-a-cardigan job at Sony doesn’t mean you won’t fart in front of your boss.

The Opening Line To Radiohead’s New “House of Cards” Is “I Don’t Wanna Be Your Friend, I Just Wanna Be Your Lover.”
I know we throw “the hottest thing ever” around a lot here on Umm Hot Immigrant Bitches, but seriously, when Thom sings that line whilst doing his crazy little sexshimmy around the microphone, the intensity with which I wish to bang his lazy-eyed ass isn’t even funny.

VH1’s The Drug Years Is Great
And great, and great, and whoooops— crack!poverty!death! I’m gonna go ahead and isolate the early turning point as the moment in “Episode Two: Feed Your Head (1967-71)” in which some exhippiejunkie explains that the streets of Haight-Ashbury were catless during the Summer of Love because “the speedfreaks would go out and capture all the cats and eat them.” Cheap, yes, but I just don’t think that that’s what the Summer of Love was supposed to be about, Speedfreaks. Thanks for ruining The Drug Years for me.

A 70-piece Bulgarian Herd of Goats was Murdered by Lightning
They say it was because the herd was under a tree when the lightning struck, but that doesn’t make any sense. Do trees explode or start shooting goats when hit by lightning? No, they do not. Obv there was some foul play up in that field, but who cares cause it’s just some goats in Bulgaria.

We Looked Into the “Making My Plants So Hard to Reach” Reference
And apparently it’s some Hedberg. At first I was ashamed that none of us realized this, especially since “Mitch Hedberg RIP” comes right before it (see below), but then I remembered that the fact still remains that P.G. has “making my plants so hard to reach” as an interest on facebook, which is just ludicrous no matter the author.

Guess Who!

2006-05-27T01:53:00.000-04:00

(Facebook) Interests:
Girls Has To Be First On This List Of Course, Partying All The Time, Dancing (Or at least trying to), Taking Care Of My Friends' Drunken Asses, Chilling The Fuck Out, Music, Lifting 'Cause I Dont Wanna Be A Little Bitch, Running When It's Not 30 Degrees Out, Ballin', Wishing I Could Ball Better, Fucking With People, Poker, Big Slick, Not American Airlines, Saying What Everyone Is Thinking But Refuses To Say, Being Ridiculous, Being A Gentlemen, Tripping On Locust Walk, Late Nights At My Room Which I Never Make It To, Late Nights At My Room Which I Do Make It To, Big Slick Suited, Yankees, Entourage, Hugging It Out Bitch, Funny Shit, Dane Cook, Being a BAMF, Mitch Hedberg RIP, Making My Plants So Hard To Reach

Woosh!

2006-05-26T02:20:00.000-04:00

20 days and no posts! That’s a pretty long stretch – longer even than that time we closed shop to provoke Diana into posting again (which isn’t really surprising cause seriously, did any of us actually give a shit about that?). In any case, apologies for that extended siesta - we’ve missed you, especially cause A LOT has been going durn in the neighborhood.

For example, some of you may remember the huge crush I had on Al Gore in summer-fall 1992. Well kids, it’s back. Big time. And it’s fiercer than ever, facilitated by the incredibly hot An Inconvenient Truth global warming flick, and its subsequent press coverage, like this unbelievably sizzling article which everyone’s favorite magazine has on stands now. We especially like the “Gore has just cracked his second Heineken” line, cause if there’s anything we enjoy more than a slice of Ol’ Al G., it’s a slightly boozy one.

Other News:

The Dinosaur Community Has Named A Newly Discovered Species “Dracorex Hogwartsia,” After H.P.
Apparently, the choice was made because “visitors thought this new herbivore dinosaur looked like a dragon.” Um...I hate to be the one to break it to you, visitors, but I think that might just be what dinosaurs look like. In any case, 7 year old boys around the world, and Pasty R, rejoice.

Tina Has Figured Out a Way to Scam Fandango or Some Shit
I haven’t seen a V-L this happy since P.Paul spent summer ’98 rolling into the Greenburgh Town Pool 10 minutes before closing each day, thus avoiding the $3 fee.

The Da Vinci Code Has Been Seen
Obviously, even aside from all that Christ-y shit, the movie had some serious issues, like the nonkiss at the end (You can make all the walking on water jokes you want, Tautou, but Jesus wouldn’t have stood for that forehead peck bullshit, and neither should you.) and casting Paul Bettany as Silas, who is neither hot nor cuddly in real life. No matter how much he scowled, every time movie Silas killed someone, all I wanted to do was jump into his arms and congratulate him on winning Wimbledon against such odds, and that’s a problem. Of course there was also the issue of the motley crew of losers Ron Howard &co rounded up to play the Priory of Sion at the end...cause like, maybe it’s just me, but if I were Jesus’ granddaughter or whatever and I had a hot murderous albino on my tail, I don’t think bearded Johnboy on the right and the surrounding random smattering of literal little girls is who I’d immediately turn to for protection. I think we can all agree that Gandalf was pretty amazing though.

And Lastly, as we’ve suspected for some time,
Weed Is Good For You
Or something along those lines. A more in depth look into the issue will be taking place all weekend chez LBell.

It's 2:56 In The Morning and a Second Ago Bettina IMed Me This Just To Fuck With Me:

2006-05-06T02:58:00.000-04:00

http://jahtruth.net/

I am officially declaring myself fucked. with.

Actually The Cutest Thing Ever

2006-05-03T01:25:00.000-04:00

I dare you to watch this and not feel awwwww.

(Courtesy of MaPo)

Actually The Hottest Thing Ever

2006-05-01T13:27:00.000-04:00

oh man

ohhh man

POLL #24!

2006-04-30T18:35:00.000-04:00

What sickening, mildly-severely fabricated piece of fucking scholastic turtle shit are we all currently working on?

I'm doing 12 pages for Fascism on the history of beards. Yeah. Hahahaha.

Because Immigrants Fucking Stick Together

2006-04-30T16:53:00.000-04:00

And also because would you rather go to class or party in the streets with a bunch of Mexicans? Yeah.

http://www.immigrantsolidarity.org/

Tonks is Really Hot

2006-04-29T03:03:00.000-04:00

*

Good for you, Thewlis!

BREAKING: James Bond To Rock A ‘Dozer

2006-04-28T01:42:00.000-04:00

That’s right. Daniel “I Only Care About Jewish Blood” Craig is totally gonna be cruising around in a motherfucking bulldozer in the opening for Casino Royale. This is extremely exciting, as it joins two of the hottest things in life: James Bond and BULLDOZERZ!

Also:
“We have a diverse clientele,” ['dozer spokeswoman Silvia Cassani] said. “We don't just have old farmers.” Know that.

Garfield Strip of the Day!

2006-04-25T22:27:00.000-04:00

(Love, Gilroy)

A Naked Man Got His Nude Ass Arrested After Being Trapped In And Then Rescued From His Stepmother’s Chimney!

2006-04-25T16:37:00.000-04:00

I’m not actually sure which part of this I should point your attention to, as every line in this article is astonishing. If I had to choose, I’d probably say take extra special note of Hayward Police Lt. Gary Branson’s fine investigative observations, but the image of the naked man being “pushed to safety” by firefighters is pretty fantastic too. In any case:

HAYWARD, Calif. - A man who spent five hours naked and stuck in the chimney of his stepmother's home was arrested on suspicion of being under the influence of drugs, police said.

Police say Michael Urbano, 23, locked himself out of the house early Saturday morning and decided to get in on a cable TV wire through the chimney. But the wire broke and Urbano fell, getting stuck about three-quarters of the way down. He was freed when a firefighter pushed him to safety.

"We get him up, and he's naked as a jaybird," said Hayward police Lt. Gary Branson. "He tells us he took his clothes off because there would be less friction going down the chute. We did find his clothes. So that part checked out."

Authorities were called about 6:15 a.m. Saturday. A neighbor heard "faint, distressing" calls since about 2:30 a.m. and decided to call police. Police say it probably wasn't a comfortable few hours for Urbano.

"He's not fat," Branson said, "but he used to play football. He's not that little." *

Ok. First of all, since when does being naked in your chimney = drug use? I thought this was America. Just cause a brother feels like freeballin it in his stepmom’s fireplace doesn’t mean he’s on drugs. Maybe that’s just his thing, like how sometimes I like to pop up at teacher’s summer homes wearing only hotpants and a balaclava. Frankly, this sounds to me like yet another strike in the country’s growing War on Naked, and Im.Bitch refuses to tolerate it. What’s so embarrassing about the human body anyway?

Secondly. The guy’s neighbor started hearing “faint, distressing calls” at 2:30 am and waited til 6:15 the next morning to call someone?! What the fuck? What would happen if everyone started ignoring faint, distressing calls? Well, for one thing, we’d all have a lot less b’love in our lives, as the same would likely still be trapped, dangling by the pant leg from atop a barbed-out fence. So word. Uncool, Neighbor.

And lastly…this cop. What the fuck is his deal? Aside from the fact that “naked as a jaybird” is never an acceptable phrase to use, ever, is anyone else really sketched out and confused by…every single one his quotes? “He’s not fat, but he used to play football.” ???? Did this guy somehow know Naked back in his football days, or upon questioning was he just like ‘hey, you’re not that little, but not fat – why is that?’ Either way: what the fuck. But that’s actually nothing compared to his “we did find his clothes so that part checked out” assertion. Cause…ummm… the only thing finding the naked man’s clothes (presumably near the chimney?) confirms is that he took off his clothes before entering the chimney, which we kind of already knew. The fact that he did indeed get naked at the chimney in no way lends credence to the ‘less friction’ rationale. Nothing could support that claim. That’s just an unintelligent and insane thing to say. But whatever. Bottom line: we can no longer be naked in family members’ chimneys without fear of indictment. The fascists have won.

Will Smith, Bar Mitzvah Ruiner

2006-04-21T18:05:00.000-04:00

Hey, good for you, Will Smith...good for you...oh, wait, fuck that nevermind.

JERUSALEM - He never got an invitation and he certainly didn't R.S.V.P., but that didn't stop Will Smith from crashing Atir Cohen's bar mitzvah at Jerusalem's Western Wall.

Cohen, 13, was deep into his Torah reading Thursday when he heard shouting and saw girls pushing against the barrier separating men from women at the holy site to catch a glimpse of the Hollywood superstar.

"At first I didn't know who it was," Cohen said. Smith compensated for the interruption by shaking the bar mitzvah boy's hand and posing for a picture with him.

Surrounded by a security detail, Smith approached the wall and put a note in the cracks in keeping with tradition. Smith and his wife, Jada Pinkett Smith, then took a tour of an excavated tunnel alongside the wall. The tour leader was Shmuel Rabinovitch, chief rabbi of the holy site, who said the couple took notes and spent several minutes praying. "He is a very nice man, he was very excited and showed his emotions," he said.

Smith and his wife later visited the nearby Church of the Holy Sepulcher, built on the site where many Christians believe that Jesus was crucified.

Brandeis: 1, Molly: 1

That Is All.

2006-04-20T19:17:00.000-04:00

Happy Holiday! / Good News For Jews, Bad News for Katie

2006-04-20T15:28:00.000-04:00

Upwards of 200 Kilos (um, I have no idea how much that is. Seriously, zero.) of Marijuana Washed Up on Some Beach in Israel
Just in time for the holiday. I guess it pays to rock the Holy Land on a daily basis...Brandeis: 1, Molly: 0.

Macalester Cancels CHEEBAdanza
Cause no matter where you are, college is bullshit.

But None of This Really Matter Much to Us
Cause Bettina just made Matzo Brei

Take it.

Ps. Can we take Google sporting this trippy shit today as an official 4/20 endorsement?

Jack White Coke Ad

2006-04-19T23:28:00.000-04:00

Kind of amazing, kind of annoying?

Omg, This Tea Is Incredible

2006-04-19T22:48:00.000-04:00

BREAKING: Shawn From Boy Meets World Returns To Prime Time

2006-04-19T00:48:00.000-04:00

He’s back, sweet mystery, he’s back! Playing “Chick” on monstrosity/WB show Pepper Dennis. Has anyone else seen this? It features lines like “Jack, the Pontiff was my beat,” and references to the same’s “holy behind.” Yeah. But whatever, Shawn is back, which is all we need to know. That, and the fact that the actor’s name is … prepare yourselves… “Rider Strong,” which, despite devoted BmeetsW viewings in our younger days, we totally didn’t know until P.D.’s opening credits. Rider Strong. Nobutreally.

Only one question remains: WHERE TOPANGA AT?

Read it to your child at bedside! Give one to your sister the new mom!

2006-04-19T00:44:00.000-04:00

How many consecutive posts can we go solely celebrating b’love? THIS MANY.

It's Just A Plant

Katie L. L. sends us this sparkler from out west. Aside from the genuinely revolting illustrations (which are particularly disturbing when reading it as it was meant to be read), this book is pretty unreal. We learned so much! Like, the fact that fast food-craving high black people sometimes call weed “muggles.” Did anyone else know that? Anyone like… ol’ J.K.R.? Yeah, we’re not sure how to deal with that either.

Be sure to read all the way through.

That Said, Keep In Mind That

2006-04-17T23:30:00.000-04:00

It Doesn't Always End Here

But It Does Often Start Here

Holiday Preparations

2006-04-17T22:39:00.001-04:00

We were recently roused us out of our ‘Yo, I’m home, Coldless, and There are 5 Packages of Mac and Soy “Cheese” Waiting For Me in the Freezer’ hazy stupor long enough to be reminded by our very own L.Bell that another 4/20 is nearly upon us. That shit totally crept up on us this year, like the way Chanukah does a lot, and also, fittingly, the b’love which many of us will be enjoying come Thursday. Thankfully, Im.Bitch will be home during the holiday, and not at school, where educational fascism runs rampant and preschoolers have to be cared for, so this year’s celebration promises to be an exceptional one.

Let’s recount some of our favorite 4/20 memories in anticipation of this year’s extravaganza. We’ll kick things off with 4 of our own:

1. Once upon a 4/20, a crew of youngsters headed over to the wooden shack of a friend during the school day to get a little higher. Things were going famously, until SPLAM! They were CAUGHT by the friend’s mom, who then proceeded to ask about college visiting trips etc., to the youngsters’ incredibly high dismay. That episode, though extraordinarily traumatizing at the time, is now looked back upon with satisfaction and merriment, if only because it birthed the following world class exchange:
The Friend: Mom, relax, we all have frees. [A lie.]
The Friend’s Mom: That doesn’t mean you have to sit around smoking pot all day!
A sound point – a free period doesn’t mean we have to smoke the pot, but hey, if there’s pot to be smoked, and you have a free period, it’s certainly a pretty appealing option, especially on 4/20.

2. That same 4/20 found that same crew of youngsters staring highly at a Riverdale lawn sprinkler, trying to decide whether or not they should bounce on in, standing mesmerized for upwards of 10 minutes in what must have been a really disturbing manner, given the mix of seriousness with which the youths were debating the pros and cons of the sprinkler proposal, and the level of glaring highness they had even so early in the day irrefutably achieved. This went on until one of them finally looked up to see the mistress of the sprinkler-housing house at the window, phone in hand, regarding them in a state of mingled anger and disgusted wonder. The youths returned to school.

3. Another 4/20 found Pasty getting into a fairly serious and incredibly high brawl with a Fieldston teacher about a paper grade, ending in the teacher asking to meet with Pasty at the end of class, in turn ending in the teacher dismissing Pasty with a sneering Snape-esque “Happy holiday.” !!

4. On yet another 4/20, returning from one of a duo’s last trips to the famed the alley, the same were surprised when an elderly gardener sprung suddenly out at them, barking, we shit you not, “don’t think I don’t know what you kids are up to.”
“What school are you from?” He added.
“Horace Mann,” they said.
“Don’t come around here again.”
...You meddling kids?

Ps. It’s posts like these that MommaVoz generally turns a blind eye towards, but as discretion was never exactly our forte, and also like, we know you’re reading this MommaVoz, ima bust out publicly with this one and say YO, you wanna maybe prepare like a stock of sandwiches for me and mine in preparation for the holiday? (...This probably won't end well.)

Shocking Roommate Hall of Fame

2006-04-16T03:38:00.000-04:00

Hollered drunkenly at a “party,” whispered seductively over vegan hot chocolate, stated tearfully on the phone to friends back home who really don’t give a fuck, that age old college declaration has probably been uttered by each of us in due course: “No, seriously. I have the worst roommate ever.” Some of us, who have returned mid-day to find our roommate’s nasty used underpants resting openly on our desks, or who have been awoken in the wee hours of the morn by Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous (“What, I’m watching it”), may have had reason to say this, but nobody – nobody – has a story that tops this one. And so, ladies and gentlemen, I give you a new inductee into the Shocking Roommate Hall of Fame. Just out of possible fear that the roommate in question will somehow google himself in the classical sense of the phrase for a change, see this, and then somehow make the situation in that room worse, we’re gonna run this bitch without monikers of any sort. We’ll call our man “our man” as we describe the event that awarded the roommate (henceforth: “the roommate”) his new Shocking Roommate Hall of Famer title. But I dawdle.

Early on in the semester, our man noticed some...abnormal behavior on the part of his new roommate. Each night, the roommate would go to bed early, leaving our man to his business. And every night our man would creep to bed, only moments later to hear the sounds, and, when o.m. checked that shit out TO SEE THE SIGHT of the roommate engaging in open, blanketless masturbation. Dismissing the conduct as “some kind of fucked up sleep disorder” (HAHAHHA), o.m. ignored it, until one very special night.

On the night in question, the roommate had a friend of his – “a rather unattractive girl” staying over. In the words of o.m., “I was like, ‘hey if the two of you want the room, just tell me, I understand’,” but no, the roommate assured o.m., this beast was purely platonic. The roommate and the creature went to sleep early as usual, the roommate in his bed and the creature in a bag on the floor by his feet, and as usual o.m. came into the room much later and went to sleep. And....as usual, just seconds after o.m. got into bed, the roommate started to feed the cats. “What the fuck!” thought o.m., “he’s shaking hands with the sheriff while his platonic lady friend is sleeping on the floor next to him?” Pretty horrible, but not Shocking Roommate Hall of Fame horrible. What is? Well, glancing over to confirm the obvious, o.m. noticed...wait for it...that THE CREATURE WAS ALSO MASTURBATING, in her sleeping bag on the floor.

Was this some kind of Da Vinci Code-esque cult practice? Is the roommate “secretly gay and is trying to send you a message” as one associate suggested? Or was it purely coincidence that two compulsive-masturbators were housed within the same walls one night but a few feet away from o.m.? I don’t know, but one thing I know is that that is simultaneously masturbating hands down the worst fucking roommate ever. Ever. Ever.

Animal Newz

2006-04-14T17:40:00.000-04:00

There is a Huge Monster Bunny Out On the Loose, Eating People's Vegetable Patches
And all people are talking about is how upset they are that their cabbage and shit is being gobbled, not the fact MASSIVE FUCKING RABBITS EXIST. WHAT!!? (...Gournal?)

Molly the Brooklyn Cat Remains Chillin in Her Wall

With Molly the fugitive feline sending out distress calls from a few feet — or maybe just inches — away, animal rescue and city experts tried anew on Thursday to lure the 11-month-old black cat from the innards of a 19th century building where she has been trapped for nearly two weeks.
…
In another move, two kittens were brought to the scene in a carryon cage, in hopes that their mewing might trigger Molly's maternal instincts enough to draw her out.
…
On Wednesday, bricks had been carefully removed at various spots to give Molly an escape route. Molly stayed put. Pastore's team later got a fleeting look at Molly through a tiny video camera snaked into the crawl space, but could not reach her. A cage, baited with food, was left overnight. Molly didn't bite. Even catnip, the feline aphrodisiac, had no effect on the timorous tabby.
…
On Thursday, a self-described "cat therapist," Carole Wilbourne, knelt on the sidewalk next to the building's outer wall and tried to coax Molly out with what she hoped were soothing words.

"I hear you, sweetheart," she cooed. "Come on, Molly, you can do it...everybody wants you to come out... nobody's going to hurt you."

After a few minutes, one of Pastore's aides, wearing a surgical mask, emerged from the dusty cellar and asked Wilbourne to stop. "I think you're stressing her out," she said.

Wilbourne complied, saying that she had been trying to "give inspiration" to the wayward cat. "I care," she told reporters. "I wouldn't be doing it if I didn't."

Seriously, one call to yours truly would save these bastards a lot of trouble. Cause I don’t care what species you are, Mollys don’t do soothing words, Mollys don’t do tiny video cameras, and Mollys certainly don’t do motherfucking mewing kittens. Only one way to lure a Molly out of a perfectly chill wall hiding spot, and it ain’t catnip, baby: give that feline some real herb. That, or a crisp a stack of 20s.

Keep on truckin’ Molls.