But All Homosexuals Are Not Passive

Boys Beware

Screened during today’s History of Fashion class, between a short clip about corsets and a scene from a movie in which some bitch is dancing in like a fancy skirt or whatever. This came totally 100% without any explanation or reference to fashion in any way whatsoever… So…Thoughts on whether we should take this as a) a happy incident given its outstanding bloggin' potential or b) definitive evidence that it is absolutely time to shake this spot?

Imagine If This Came Out of You

Rosemary's Baby

Please note especially the picture for Feb 7th’s “I’m heading off to the doc’s this weekend” post.

There are Coyotes In The Chester

No literally.


Luckily, the Greenburgh Police Department has put out a handy list of ‘Important Coyote Safety Tips.’ Please pay close attention to #s 9 and 10.

1. Do not feed coyotes
2. If you see a coyote, be aggressive in your behavior - make loud noises, wave your arms, throw sticks and stones.
3. Do not allow pets to run free.
4. Do not feed pets outside.
5. Make any garbage inaccessible to coyotes and other animals.
6. Eliminate availability of bird seed. Coyotes are attracted to the concentration of birds and rodents that come to feeders. If you do feed birds, clean up waste seed and spillage.
7. Fencing your yard may deter coyotes. The fence should be tight to the ground, preferably extending six inches below ground level.
8. Remove brush and tall grass from around your property to reduce protective cover for coyotes.
9. Teach children to appreciate coyotes from a distance.
10. Regulated hunting and trapping increases the "fear" coyotes have towards people.
11. Ask your neighbors to follow these same steps.

Erm, thanks, Greenburgh, this is very helpful. Just a quick word on #10: I looked into this whole “fear” issue a little more, and found the following on The NY State Department’s “Preventing and Resolving Coyote Conflicts” site –

Some coyotes in suburbia have lost their fear of people. This can result in a dangerous situation. A coyote who does not fear people should be considered dangerous. Coyotes in residential areas quickly learn to associate food with people. Suburban coyote food (garbage, pet food, pets) is saturated with human odor. Human behavior has changed to be non-threatening to coyotes (running into your home after seeing a coyote is behaving like prey). In short, food smells like people and people behave like prey.

Um...word. I guess it’s never a good idea to behave like prey…But seriously, the key here is to make sure the coyotes, as a community, know who’s boss. You’ve gotta fuck with their minds a little. Roll around in a bucket of chicken stock, throw on some mood music, and make a big show of telling amusing or touching coyote stories to your child, outside, at night. This will make the coyotes a little comfortable, a little sloppy on their game. Maybe one of them will come over and see what’s going on. Smile at it. Then pull out your shotgun and slaughter without mercy. After this, it would be wise to hitch that dead coyote carcass to the back of your ‘Ru and, like Achilles before you, drag that bitch all around town. This will send a clear message of dominance to all the other coyotes, and then your bird seed won’t be fucked with any more.

Fight The Power / Not a Good Week for the Germans

Thanks to our midwestern correspondent Katie L. L. for this gem:

BERLIN (Reuters) - A 52-year-old man from the German town of Darmstadt tried in vain to get a refund for 400 euros ($475) worth of what he said was "bad marijuana" from his dealer before turning to the police for help, according to authorities.

The police then charged the man with violating drugs possession laws and confiscated the 200 grams of marijuana he brought with him to the police station, according to a report in Bild am Sonntag newspaper on Sunday.

"It is un-usable," the man told police in the hope they would help him get his money back. Amounts of up to 30 grams of marijuana are allowed in most German states for private consumption.

That really blows. But hey man, look on the bright side: it was just a little schwag, just a little arrest – worse things could have happened. Like…having your village flooded by liquid pig manure, or something.

Neither Zach Braff Nor His Brother Joshua Are At All Funny or Poignant

Dear The Youth,

Hey, I’m Zach Braff, and I have a lot to teach you. You see, unlike those other people in your life, like your parents, or your friends, I understand you. I understand that life is uncertain and not always pretty. There is some fucked up shit out there. But I also understand that out of that terror – that blind terror we all have when it comes to letting one’s guard down and accepting life for what it is instead of always expecting more – comes a certain still beauty. Especially when you find someone who has the capacity to crawl inside your soul.

You should really see my movie Garden State if you want to truly understand what I’m talking about here – that’s kind of what it’s about. But hey, it’s just an independent movie – please, don’t think this is about self-promotion: commercialism isn’t what I’m after here, I’m an artist, not a businessman – I just wrote, directed and starred in the movie (did you know that?), I didn’t finance the fucking thing. Because money isn’t the answer. Finding someone you can be yourself with is.

Ps. There’s this new band I bet none of you have heard of called “Clap Your Hands Say Yeah.” I’ve just discovered them and I’ve been listening to a lot of their shit while I work on my next script and hang out with my girlfriend Mandy. You should too.

Posted by ZACH BRAFF at 9:43 PM

Zach Braff
His Brother Joshua


NB: The Blatant “I’m Friends With a V-L (FWAV-L)” Pilferage!

Today’s RevelationS:

1. This blog is now totally comprised entirely of posts about a) banging and/or b) insobriety…. When did that happen? I think (gasp gasp!) we need Diana back if this is what happens when I am left to my own devices. (!!)

2. “Magician” and “Musician” are pretty much the same word. Coincidence? NO. Music is magical.

POLL #….21!!?

Is this new layout totally fucking ugly and I just can’t tell cause I both a) was stoned when I made it and b) am stoned right now?

How Was Everyone’s Saturday Night?: Bellow Family Dinner Edition

Person A got piss drunk on 6 glasses of Bellow Family wine, assured everyone that “on a sobriety scale of 1-10, I am a 9,” and then proceeded to tell a bunch of stories involving crusty skeet towels and shat-upon car seats. The night was only halfway done when later, on the roof, Person A exposed his balls in order to fulfill a fabricated, totally non-existent dare.

All of this would probably have been more shocking had Person B not begun the evening by telling a story about a friend who is so allergic to shellfish that she once blew a dude who had eaten shellfish earlier that evening, and then had to be taken to the hospital as her face swelled all red and puffy like Ned Beatty’s.

Person C was told by Person A that they have “gorilla breasts.”

Person D was told by Person A that they have “half a face like a dog advertisement…you know – those ‘bow bow bow’ commercials: like meow mix but for dogs.”

Person E explained Brokeback Mountain to members of the table who hadn't seen it as “The Bridges of Madison County, but gay…like…The Fudge Tunnel of Madison County: ‘the bridges have all fallen; there’s only one way to get outta here now, and that’s through the tunnel. Let’s go.’”

I love the Bellows so much.

Who Said It?

“Hey, Mr. Columbia University Police officer, I have a suggestion to make: why don't you snort a line of coke off my erect penis?”

Joseph P. Healey, PhD, gives comedy a try…

We remain an institution committed to independent thought and inquiry, even into difficult topics.

With best wishes,

Joe Healey
Head of School

Fresh outta slave-jargon?

Awkward!!

And now, ladies and gents, another inductee into the “Omg, That’s So Awkward” Awkward Situations Hall of Fame:

Place: My dorm room.
Time: Wednesday Night.
Experienced the Awkwardness: Whitney L. and Myself.
Caused the Awkwardness: Em. Spec. (umm and us)
The Awkwardness: Whitney L. and I are looking at some shit on my computer. Due to the nature of my under-bed fort-desk, I am sitting on the chair with W.L. on me. Not awkward. It becomes mad uncomfortable; W.L. suggests “the most comfortable position she’s ever experienced” – a double cross-legged yoga-stretch-esque wack little hug. We do it. A tiny bit awkward. I think, and then say “you know what would be so awkward, if Em. Spec. walked in right now.” We let this settle in. Awkward. Literally (no literally) 2 seconds later, Em. Spec. walks in (seriously.). Panicking, I scramble half out of the yoga-esque hug, such that W.L.’s legs are spread open towards a gasping Em. Spec. and I am squirming on the floor, half in between her legs. Really fucking awkward. W. L. and I simultaneously enter into high babbling explanations of what’s going on; Em. Spec. forces a laugh and walks in silence to her desk. Actually the most awkward shit ever.

The Outcome: Em. Spec. definitely thinks the two of us are secret girlfriends.

FYI, and POLL #20!!

Postz might be a lil lighter than usual in the upcoming week, as I will be HOME and high in my bathtub eating my moms’s cookin for the most part. But don’t fret; you’ve still got Diana. Aha. Hhahahha.

In the meantime, please hit this (courtesy of one Adrianna Baum-Homie), as well as the tasty new links you’ll find on the right.

Also, please answer the following:
SHOULD Umm Hot Immigrant Bitches abandon the dazzling green for a fresher color?

POLL #s 17-19!!!

POLL #17
When’s the last time you did school work in a consistent way?


POLL #18
When did you first start smoking pot in a consistent way?


POLL #19
How much would your life suck if for every time you smoked a boatload of ganja, you read a boatload of Thomas Hardy instead?


((beginning of 9th grade / end of 9th grade / A LOT))

Aaaaaha! and WORD!

Aaaaaha!

WORD!

A List of Things I Plan to Eat

Well, I go home in 9 days for our random weeklong February Presidents' Day / Why Not break, so here’s a list of things I cannot wait to eat:

- Momma Voz’s Roast Chicken (mmmmmmm)
- Momma Voz's tacos (mmmm)
- Momma Voz’s anything else she’ll make me (mmmmmmmmmm)
- Noda’s Hibachi fried Rice (mmmmm)
- Scrambled Egg on a Roll with Crispy bacon from Mont Parnasse (no cheese!) [mmmm]
- Amy’s Mac & Soy Cheese (mmmmm)
- Japanese food (mmm)
- Ollie’s (mmmmm)
- Sandwich(es) from Hartsdale Cheeeesery (mm mm)
- LANGE’S (mmmmmmmm!)
- Bagels and Tofu cream cheese and Lox (mmm)
- HOMEMADE motherfucking pumpkin Pie! (mmmmmm)
- Homemade MANDEL BREAD (mmmmmm)
- Homemade applesauce (mmmm)
- Umm, and anything else that has the misfortune of falling in my line of vision as I eat my way out of February without mercy.

Ohmygod omgomgomggg

Today’s Revelation:

People who believe in "heaven" can’t really enjoy life. It’s like eating a sandwich at 5 when you know you’re going to a sumptuous banquet at 7: that sandwich will not be given half the attention in deserves. It’s exactly like that, only the banquet is totally fucking imaginary.

Bored?

http://www.laundryview.com/

Apparently you can’t watch real loads live action-stylo unless you are AT the jewniversity, but I’m told the sample page is still pretty amazing.

PS. Speaking of laundry, and “loads,” remember in LOST a couple weeks ago when Hurley was going to mack on that blonde lady whilst she did her laundry and Sawyer was like “looks like someone else has a load to drop off”? That was pretty amazing.

POLL #16!!!!!!!!

Should I buy me a motherfucking goldfish?

Contest #1

So guess what bitches? I am running for my dorm government. I know, wtf am I thinking? My last stab at politics was in third grade where I killed any shot at a victory by accidentally cursing at my voters during my speech. It'll be different this time, I swear!

So here is what I need...a SLOGAN! I am asking you, the loyal, bright, clever, constantly wasted readers of Immigrant Bitches to help me in my quest to win some position from which I can yield greater power than the Sauron ever dreamed of.

So get on that shit (campaign poster ideas are welcome as well)

The winner will receive a lovely lap dance from the Pasty Russian ( I have yet to consult her regarding this, so if she refuses because you happen to be too heinously ugly for her, I'll just buy you a hooker of your choice, male, female, or both)

Board Meeting #1:

Objective: To explore why “dirty_panamanian” posts have been so few in number of late.

dirty_panamanian: i mean i dont do shite [on the blog] i am there for the support
dirty_panamanian: i am like on the bored u know
dirty_panamanian: u run the company
dirty_panamanian: and i make sure it goes smoothly
dirty_panamanian: keep u in line
dirty_panamanian: if u get out of hand
PASTY_RUSSIAN: hahHHAHAHAH you are our maria r***ter?
dirty_panamanian: fuckk yea