We have a sister?

Apparently Umm Hot Immigrant Bitches is not the sole destination for "hot bitches" of this world. It turns out this little blog we all know and love has a sibling, a sister in fact...

And she is Jewish...eww

After some intense researching of this site I've come to the conclusion that our mission as hot bitches is entirely different. While we (ok just the Russian) try to bring you the latest in all that is related to the ganja and Har Po, our Jewish counterparts are more concerned with finding that doctor husband Grandma Esther would be so proud of. I don't think there is going to be much of a sense of sisterhood here, but then again the Pasty Russian is a undeniably an UBER Jew now, perhaps they can bond over that shit. I'll stick with my darling catholicism.

Check it out mother fuckers:

http://hotjewishbitches.blogspot.com/

Probably The Two Hottest Wizards Ever

It’s been a while since we’ve had any Harry Potter news to report, so hopefully you’ve all taken this muggled-out time to let your Potterlust mellow and hibernate in preparation for the huge surge it’s about to take. What? I’m not sure. Renewed thoughts of Harry Potter’s fine wizard ass are clouding my wordsmithing abilities at the mo’.

Anyway. It has just been reported that the roles of black wizard Kingsley Shacklebolt and young, hot James Potter (who we see all pompous and tasty in Snape’s memory) have been cast for Order of the Phoenix – Shacklebolt going to “George Harris” of Layer Cake, and James to some dude allegedly named “Robbie Jarvis.” This is very exciting as a) Shacklebolt is black, so he will probably be the most badass wizard of all time, and b) James is James, so…actually the hottest wand-waver ever. Here’s a pic of Old Kingsley – check him out in all his cross-eyed splendor (make sure to notice the look of mingled fear/awe in the ALSO crossed eyes of his woman companion). [NB: There are currently no pictures of Robbie Jarvis available, as likely he is just too hot for conventional cameras, burning a hole of desire and rampant passion through any device that haughtily thinks it can capture his powerful image.]




mmmm

Plus

- Alex's second grade assistant teacher Ms. Stickley

Our Shitlist, 5th Edition

A quick little fuck-you on this lovely Sunday morning to the following:

- George Bush
- Karl Rove
- Tom Delay
- Lactose
- Turkish Chefs
- Armenian non-sympathizers
- Half-Cubans
- Hillary Duff’s new teeth
- Lily’s old teeth
- Little girls who study study study all week long and then bust out in pink frilly slut shirts come the weekend
- Sienna Miller
- K-Fed
- La Lohan
- UPN
- WB
- BEMCO
- Sherman “Dining Hall”
- Right Wing Jews
- Diana Richter (POST, bitch; I ain’t PLAYIN no more)

Words/Phrases I Never Want To Hear Again:

So…A week and a half into my Jewish liberal arts college education now – time for a lil round up of shit I never want to hear spoken again, ever, in class or otherwise:

“Contrived”
“On a theoretical level”
“As it says in the Talmud” (true story)
“My pet peeve is fake people”
“Are you coming to Friday night services?”
“Why aren’t you coming to Friday night services?”
“I understand where you’re coming from, but…”
“Love is manufactured, it’s not real, and anyone who says otherwise is lying to themselves”
“Would you like to hear a little bit about sorority life?”
“Autonomous”
“Duplicitous”
“Wicked”
“Israel”
“Kosher”

~ MORE TO COME, I am sure ~

My New Hero

It doesn’t take a Brandeis degree to understand that finals week at college is a fucking motherfucker. Knowing you have an assload of work that you haven’t begun is like the feeling you get when you realize there are still 3.5 hours of Harvard A Cappella left and your high is seriously dwindling. Even now, just thinking about all that upcoming reading, cheating, dreading, hurling, makes me yearn for the days of nap time and animal crackers, when chilling with people meant calling up your Moms and seeing if whatever you were having for dinner was better or worse than what your friend was having, and your stuffed animal friends traveled everywhere with you… the good old days, otherwise known as Molly’s fall semester.

So how to cope, come finals week? What is a poor overworked student to do? Well, if they’re anything like My New Hero, the answer is: pretty much anything they can find. Wait for it…Yeah. (FYI: Like last time, the behavior which landed My New Hero such hot distinction involves some illicit shit (illicshit?), so, once again, we’ll run this bas-tard without names.)

Now, readers of this blog / people who have ever met or heard of me know that I have seen my fair share of smoking etc. over the years, but what I saw My New Hero engage in last week surpassed all. Why? Because not only was M.N.H. high on like 4 different blends of ganj and also WHIPPETs and I think some wack kind of actually really tasty beer, and not only did this all go down, pretty steadily, between the hours of 6 p.m. (an hour after M.N.H. woke up) and 5:30 a.m., but, in addition, as the room found out at about 4:45 a.m., M.N.H. had a FINAL to take at 9:15 the following morning. YEAH.

As the majority of our readers grew up in the Fieldston tradition of work – i.e. “Hey Mr. XXXX, I was up late last night watching Date My Mom so I don’t think I’m really prepared for this test; is it ok if I go eat a Bacon Egg & Cheese now and take this beast tomorrow,” many probably entered into college without a real idea of what actual work would feel like, or with doubts as to whether they were built for studying and shit. Well, if you are one of those nervous people, My New Hero and I are here to say re-lax. If ever you feel stressed about finals, just take page out of M.N.H.’s book: get up, look that work straight in the eye (Eko-on-the-Smoke-Monster style), and calmly and determinedly say: “fuck it.” Then watch as all that pressure and exertion slide slide sliiiiiiiiiide away, leaving you happy and perfectly at peace. After all, if the people who invented college wanted people to work there, they would have fucking called it “work,” not college. You taste me? WORD.

Yes, Virginia, There Is An Immigrant Bitches

In the past weeks, numerous readers have expressed concern as to whether Immigrant Bitches would survive my move to lovely Waltham, Mass, and the jewniversity located there. Indeed, even esteemed teacher and routine dropper-by to famous writers’ houses (as well as self-proclaimed “time to time” reader of this blog) John Aune found himself compelled to inquire. Why? Because that is how fucking addictive this bloggle is. It’s exactly like crack, and those of you who have spoken to me and/or Lily recently know that I/we know a few things about the white rock. And so, I’d like to make it officially known that Immigrant Bitches aint goin nowhere, unless you count the inner most sectors of the hearts and souls of readers around the world as a place.

Here’s what’s been going down in the world whilst I’ve been playing the name game and hitting the pipe with a whole new cluster of artsy Moses-lovers:

Holiday checks you still haven’t cashed? William Shatner is selling his kidney stone.

Jewz aren’t the only big-nosed creatures that like to take down Christmas:















Bellow and I are writing a screenplay. It will change the world, and also totally annihilate the delicate friendship bonds of at least one entire social circle.

Meg Ryan is buying some Chinese person.

Umm…probably some other shit. More to come SOON

And They Said It Would Never Happen

.............I AM AT COLLEGE.



(wtf???!!)

POLL #11(?)!!!!

How many pairs of pantz is too many pairs of pantz, college-wise? Or, alternately, can you ever have too many pairs of pantz?

Mazel Tov!

It has come to our attention that last week, whilst vacationing in the Holy Land, our very own D. Mordechai Berger bagged an Israeli chick. The exact circumstances under which said banging went down – like place, time, and whether the two are in love or if Berger was just tasting the local cuisine, so to speak – are still unclear. All we know for sure is that this is one item on Berger’s life To Do list that he can check the fuck off, and for that, Immigrant Bitches salutes him.