A Naked Man Got His Nude Ass Arrested After Being Trapped In And Then Rescued From His Stepmother’s Chimney!

I’m not actually sure which part of this I should point your attention to, as every line in this article is astonishing. If I had to choose, I’d probably say take extra special note of Hayward Police Lt. Gary Branson’s fine investigative observations, but the image of the naked man being “pushed to safety” by firefighters is pretty fantastic too. In any case:

HAYWARD, Calif. - A man who spent five hours naked and stuck in the chimney of his stepmother's home was arrested on suspicion of being under the influence of drugs, police said.

Police say Michael Urbano, 23, locked himself out of the house early Saturday morning and decided to get in on a cable TV wire through the chimney. But the wire broke and Urbano fell, getting stuck about three-quarters of the way down. He was freed when a firefighter pushed him to safety.

"We get him up, and he's naked as a jaybird," said Hayward police Lt. Gary Branson. "He tells us he took his clothes off because there would be less friction going down the chute. We did find his clothes. So that part checked out."

Authorities were called about 6:15 a.m. Saturday. A neighbor heard "faint, distressing" calls since about 2:30 a.m. and decided to call police. Police say it probably wasn't a comfortable few hours for Urbano.

"He's not fat," Branson said, "but he used to play football. He's not that little." *

Ok. First of all, since when does being naked in your chimney = drug use? I thought this was America. Just cause a brother feels like freeballin it in his stepmom’s fireplace doesn’t mean he’s on drugs. Maybe that’s just his thing, like how sometimes I like to pop up at teacher’s summer homes wearing only hotpants and a balaclava. Frankly, this sounds to me like yet another strike in the country’s growing War on Naked, and Im.Bitch refuses to tolerate it. What’s so embarrassing about the human body anyway?

Secondly. The guy’s neighbor started hearing “faint, distressing calls” at 2:30 am and waited til 6:15 the next morning to call someone?! What the fuck? What would happen if everyone started ignoring faint, distressing calls? Well, for one thing, we’d all have a lot less b’love in our lives, as the same would likely still be trapped, dangling by the pant leg from atop a barbed-out fence. So word. Uncool, Neighbor.

And lastly…this cop. What the fuck is his deal? Aside from the fact that “naked as a jaybird” is never an acceptable phrase to use, ever, is anyone else really sketched out and confused by…every single one his quotes? “He’s not fat, but he used to play football.” ???? Did this guy somehow know Naked back in his football days, or upon questioning was he just like ‘hey, you’re not that little, but not fat – why is that?’ Either way: what the fuck. But that’s actually nothing compared to his “we did find his clothes so that part checked out” assertion. Cause…ummm… the only thing finding the naked man’s clothes (presumably near the chimney?) confirms is that he took off his clothes before entering the chimney, which we kind of already knew. The fact that he did indeed get naked at the chimney in no way lends credence to the ‘less friction’ rationale. Nothing could support that claim. That’s just an unintelligent and insane thing to say. But whatever. Bottom line: we can no longer be naked in family members’ chimneys without fear of indictment. The fascists have won.