POLL #10 !!

If you could have any kind of sandwich RIGHT NOW, which would you pick and why?

I would go for a Harry Potter-Cedric Diggory sandwich, or maybe that humus vegetable one from Cosi.

Our Shitlist, 4th Edition

Is it just us, or have these past few weeks been particularly spiteful? Here’s who we found most offensive:

- George Bush
- Karl Rove
- Sam Alito
- The waitresses at the Abbey (who by the way, all look the same, wtf…and by “the same,” I mean bitchy and Hispanic)
- The 12 year olds at the Abbey (in particular the one on Saturday night who picked up her cell phone, slammed down her pina colada, and exclaimed “ohmygod, my dad knows we’re here, guys” very loudly to all her appalled 12 year old friends)
- Fox, for canceling Arrested Development
- ABC, for canceling Alias
- Gentiles around the world, but principally in America (half-apology to Diana)
- People who enjoy limp bacon
- Brutus
- Servilia
- Dan Maas
- Butter (both the restaurant and the bagel, toast, etc. topping)
- Aaron Nathan
- Anyone who chose the “just us” option for the query found at the beginning of this post
- Moaning Myrtle
- Amy Byrne
- Levi’s friend Liz’s friend from LA who allegedly made out with Harry Potter (!!!!!!)
- Facebook
- The po-po
- The Others
- Lily’s dog “Ruby,” for thrice refusing a generously offered Wheat Thin, even after I lifted her flopped-out ear up to explain the situation to her
- Joya’s dog whose name I don’t know, but who totally tried to nibble myself and Justine more than once as we lay hidden in that Spice Rack
- J.K. Rowling for not throwing a pantsless Cedric Diggory scenelette up in there
- Voldemort

You know what's beautiful?

That the HOT IMMIGRANT BITCHES have been united once again!

A-FUCKING-MEN

I Just Saw Pride & Prejudice, and…

I want a Man.

The day we all dreaded has arrived

and it's a BIRTHDAY!

Sing the fuck along and wish the Pasty Russian a beautifully deliciously sensuously lactose free

19th BIRTHDAY

WOO WOO HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

now go smoke yourselves a bowl in celebration, the pasty russian wouldn't want it any other way.

You are SO BEAUTIFUL to us lil white pumpkin muffin. If one day we find ourselves all huddled in the woods lost and being chased by an evil billy goat and you see in the distance an enormous weed plant but the only way to attain the weed plant is by leaving those of us in the group to rot and die, you would most certainly go a running for that lil plant of beauteousness b/c if you didn't I would never call you my friend. Yea words o wisdom

BDAY BDAY BDAY BDAY BDAY BDAY BDAY BDAY!

Railroad Hats Are the Shit

Go out and buy one of these bas-tards right now.

In Case I Die In New Haven,

I just wanna say HAPPY BIRTHDAY to our very own Mr. Snuts!

Stand Beside Your Big Brother and Make Angry V-L Faces While You Both Wear Harry & the Potters Shirts If You’re Seeing Harry Potter GoF tonight at 12

That's right.

Gather Round, Children

Let’s play a guessing game. Whoever correctly guesses what the “THAT” featured below was referring to gets to hear a secret I know about the commenter of his or her choice.

mimonides*: [DONT BLOG THAT]

Let the games begin.

I look to you loyal readers to solve this problem

I have encountered a problema while being here is college...

I have absolutely fucking nothing to do. People around me work all day and I being the true Fieldston bred student find myself constantly in a state of boredom because the work just doesn't seem to be coming. So my question to you bitches is....

What the fuck can I do with my time?

Here is what I have been doing so far:
crosswords (damn straight, all that practice in physics was worth it. Thank you Fuckrow)
napping (I find the more I nap the more tired I become and the more class I miss so this must come to a stop)
trips to get coffee (I don't drink coffee)
facebook stalkage (obviously...fuck you photo feature FUCK YOU!)
sit on the toilet (my favorite...wanted to share)
ABSOLUTELY no fucking smoking of the tree BOOOOO MOTHER FUCKERS BOOO

Northwestern I implore you to get some good fucking Marijuana please!

So anyway comment on wtf I should do because I am desperate and I write this knowing that our readers are of the most intelligent kind (minus that deceiving bastard Berger and of course Gilroy) and will come up with some brilliant idea.

Thank you, that is all.

Attention, Bitches:

As a number of you have noticed, some wack shit has been going down over in the comments section of this blog of late: namely vulgar and/or inaccurate remarks seemingly being posted by myself, dirty, or other bloggers who routinely comment on this site, and our express denials of their authorship.

Well, it is our pleasure to announce that the sick culprit* has been apprehended and dealt with, for the time being at least. It is impossible for the perpetrator to make actual posts under our names – his perverse tomfoolery has been confined to the comments section of the blog exclusively, and though we’re fairly sure that we and the guilty party have come to an agreement**, we must advise that the word of a criminal is never iron clad. I therefore urge you all to be vigilant: trust not the out of blue comment which makes light of teen pregnancy or uses phrases like “I knew I should’ve double bagged it” – for as we hope you have come to see over these past months, we Immigrant Bitches are ladies. And ladies don’t speak like that.

We offer our sincere apologies to all who were affected by this stunning piece of intrigue; and we would like it to be particularly known that L. Gordon Bellow was in no way involved with said treachery.

Ps. And just to clear the air: Diana is not mit baby; neither am I; Diana and my brother are not involved, in fact he doesn’t even really like her that much; Hugh apparently always double bags it; Gilroy: you are obviously not the only one I am sleeping with.

* DANIEL FUCKING MORDECHAI BERGER
** The agreement was that we wouldn’t reveal his name. Whoops.

POLL #9!!!!

Kill, Fuck, Or Marry:

Snuts
Gilroy
Berger

A Picture of Matt Porter Being A Director

http://www.geocities.com/mattp702/reception.jpg

So that years from now, when he’s famous, people will google "'Matt Porter' director" and get this blog.

We are so fucking huge we got ourselves our own lil mascot!

Immigrant Bitches is honored to announce the arrival of a new member of the family, our very own mascot. Please welcome



MUSKRAT!

(we are taking name suggestions, so come up with some valid shit, bitches)

Make Love, Not War, Bitches.

There has been far too much hating on going on on a blog typically so high on love. Let’s all go around the room and say something nice about somebody else, J. Furer style (Does anyone have her email address? We should send her up the blog).

I will start. Levi, I admire the fervor with which you eat beef jerky. Who wants to go next?

Lily And Sam, This One Goes Out To You Crackers

http://www.everythingsoundslikecoldplaynow.com/

Courtesy of big bro SWV-L. This is Amazing.

POLL #8!!!!!

Do you spell it “whoa” or “woah”?

Say It Aint So

One of the consequences of being by far the coolest kids at the lunch table of blogz is that hoards of bitches now want to be like us. All we have to do is say that octodogs are the shit, that people who use the word “panties” should be slain, that B**** B*** is literally insane when he’s drunk: and !bam! that’s the stylish stance to take. It’s been amusing for the most part to observe, but this past week, shit got serious…for now, Harry Potter’s dong is on the line.

As I’m reasonably sure most of you are aware, it’s been some time now since we at Immigrant Bitches officially went public with our Harry Potter is Very Hot and We Would Sex Him, Despite His Tender Age of But 16 position. Little did we know that in doing so, we were ostensibly shooting ourselves in the poon. For indeed, this week, older bitches from across the globe came out of the woodwork and declared their passion for Harry Potter Jr. too, now that I.B. has pronounced that the chic thing to do. We are Laura and Harry Potter’s lightning bolt of lovin is Chirs – “is he bonable after all?” older broads all over the world are suddenly wondering, to our dismay.

Last Thursday, our very own Lily Bellow attended a disgusting seminar on the female orgasm given, fittingly, by the institution that I would say without a doubt houses the greatest number of wacked out nerds and douchebag trust fund babies who either have absolutely no idea what a female orgasm is, or who are not at all concerned with effecting one…that’s right: Harvard. The tutorial was given by some nasty old bitch who, at a crucial point in the 2-hour long tutorial, revealed that she…MASTURBATES TO HARRY POTTER. Ummmmmm. YEAH. How horrified are you right now? I am so fucking horrified I don’t even have anything else to say about that.

But alas, if elderly wanking were all we had to worry about…

Harry Potter' star Daniel Radcliffe is rumoured to be dating a trainee hairdresser seven years his senior. The 16-year-old actor has become close to Irish-born Amy Byrne, 23, since meeting last summer on the set of 'Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire'. The pair have regularly visited each other's homes, been seen out together and spend hours on the phone talking or exchanging text messages, according to sources. Byrne's landlord, Douglas Jackson, says Radcliffe regularly calls at her rented home. He is quoted by Britain's Daily Mail newspaper as saying: "Daniel has called round on a number of occasions. Amy says it is so she can help him get dressed. "She does his hair and make-up before he goes to various publicity events in London. #

Whoa. WHOOOAAAAAAAAA. I mean. First of all, hold the phone. Her excuse is that she needs to “help him get dressed”?? That’s not an excuse; that’s a confession. Second of all, Eheu! O me miserum! If only we hadn’t so publicly discussed his immense hotness. I am so filled with grief and regret. All I can say is that if people around the world suddenly start asking each other how their Saturday nights were, there will be fucking hell to pay.

Excuse You

Remember Tonya Harding, and how she was so overcome by jealousy vis-à-vis Nancy Kerrigan and her badass skating that she got her ex-husband to take that bitch’s knee out with a club? Word.

BenWKr****: Molly. I received your IM of last week, some petition to get someone back to doing something. So I investigated, rather slowly, and eventually found this immigrantbitches thing. Why anyone would read your words where they can listen to your already painful voice, I don't know. I prefer the real thing rather than the grammatically incorrect internet version.

I mean…first of all, word. It is true that I am marvelous in person – I highly recommend that shit to those of you who have never experienced it before, or who have only done so once or twice. That said, this sounds an awful lot like a challenge, Mr. B. Wood K. Does pansyboy want a rumble? I suggest you take a little peepers at the archives of this website, specifically at the entries marked “review,” before you answer that question. If, however, having basked in the cruel rapture of another blogger’s praise, you find that you still want a piece of us, or that, haha, you think you have some website which is better than Immigrant Bitches, then like yo. Bring it. We aren't scared of you or your ex-husband's baseball bat. Suck it.

Check Out Harry's Massive 'P' In This Promotional Potter Crotch Shot...

Coming soon indeed.

R.I.P., Mr. Snuts

Many of you who habitually check Immigrant Bitches’ links section may be wondering what happened to Mr. Snuts and his succulent bloggle. Well, friends, it is my sad obligation to report that alas, said blog has been totally erased from the internets by Snuts, after the impending threat of child rapist lawsuits became far too real. All evidence of any interaction between Snuts and children of any sort has been wholly expunged, and sadly, along with it goes the blog that we here called “comrade” for far too short a while.

Tonight we take a long pull of Beam in the name of the blog of Snuts: though you only existed technically speaking for a fortnight or so, you now go on to that vast and gleaming dwelling of Blogs Gone By, forever to live on in that childlike glee and all-engulfing sense of endless possibility that fill our hearts whenever we collect a large sack of meaty goodness from the drive-through window of our neighborhood Taco Bell. I know you know what feeling I mean.

Love, Umm Hot Immigrant Bitches

In Other Harry Potter News…

Late last week, some resourceful individual stole the Ford Angelica flying Harry Potter car from the H.P. set.

The turquoise 1962 Ford Anglia, which bares the registration 7990 TD and is not in drivable condition, vanished from South West Film Studios in St. Agnes on Wednesday night. A local police office says, "The thieves may not have known its connection with the films and just thought it was a classic car, or it may have been a Harry Potter freak." Devon and Cornwall Police spokesman P.C. Baxter Provan adds, "For those who have not seen the Harry Potter films, this is the car that flies in the movie and is very well known.

Interestingly, this news comes on the same day I announce my decision to drive to the Harvard/Yale game…coincidence? I’ll let you decide – let’s just say that Lily, Alex and I are gonna be all kinds of high on that trip.

http://pakistantimes.net/2005/10/30/societal3.htm (FYI: I get all my news from Pakistan Times: Pakistan’s First Independent Complete Daily E-Newspaper…)

May I Be Of ASSistance?

Some of you may remember the time a few months ago when Harry Potter revealed that despite his fame, he has had major problems in the females-bagging department. You also may remember how I offered to pitch in and see if it was just a practice-makes-perfect issue. Well, friends, the time has come for me to once again recommend my services:

Daniel Radcliffe from the Harry Potter series has recently revealed that he is terrified that he had to play a nude scene in the upcoming movie 'Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire'. Radcliffe, 16, is seen bathing while he tries to work out a clue to help him with the Triwizard tournament.Daniel declared, on his website, danradcliffe.com: "I haven't actually seen the bit because basically I sort of come in with this dressing gown on and in theory I'm naked underneath. I actually had a pair of flesh-colored underwear on which was just like really something you'd never want to wear!".

Radcliffe added: "I've not actually seen the bit where you see me with my top half undressed but I've seen the bit after that where I'm just in the bath. It is very funny with Moaning Myrtle. It's a really good scene, but I'm sort of a bit nervous about seeing that in the cinema".

Yo. Harry. I totally understand. The first time I got naked in front of a camera man I was a little sketched too, but it gets better with time…and…practice. Whatabout you come round my place some time and we work this shit out together? That said, is anyone else highly aroused by Harry’s repeated use of the word “bit”? And the phrase “flesh-colored underwear”?...I CANNOT wait for this movie.

http://news.softpedia.com/news/Daniel-Radcliffe-Doesn-t-Want-To-Appear-Naked-on-The-Big-Screen-10354.shtml